Friday, December 19, 2008
I can honestly say that my friends are truly amzing, and that my life would be a lot less interesting and meaningful without them in it. These last few weeks, I have seen one of my friends take on one of the hardest challenges in his life, and allowed me and others to see a side, very few of us share with others. Thank you for trusting honest to to bear witness...
Another friend has been going through a rough patch dealing with someone he is sharing he is sharing his living space with, and he is handling it with a calm sense of graciousness I only wish I could possess if I was in the same situation.
And finally my third friend. I have seen him go from a gentle soul to a tiger.....I hope the days ahead bring him the peacefulness I have always envied in him.
These days I feel as though I am being pulled in several directions and trying to claw my way up for air. It seems that at this time, we all being challenged in different ways..
Here's to hoping that we all come out of it stronger for the strife.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Leave it to Chris to let me know that I was being silly for being such a scaredy cat and encouraged me to go back out there and get to know the guy. I eventually did, and found out that he was a nice guy (named Steve) and we danced a little more before he had to go. The first baby steps to getting through it all...I just have to say thanks to my buds for getting me out of my rut, while at the same time giving me the space I need to move forward at my own pace...And thanks to the Scooby Gang for not laughing too loud when this random woman pulled me away to dance with her and groped me after we finished our dance.. You guys will never know how much you mean to me.....Those guys we met from Long Beach looked like good friends, but they were nothing like us...Long Live the Scoobies!!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The sad thing is, the things going on in my life are far more scarier than anything I am seeing on the screen: unstable economy, growing disillusionment about higher education (grand school), and the very real possiblity that my future could be controlled by some freaky hockey with a fetish for hunting and dressing moose carcass. I am SO hoping that the Scooby Gang's trip down the Universal Studios for the Halloween Extravaganza will restore of some of my faith. Nothing brings friends closer than screaming your lungs out, and running from some crazed killer from your childhood. Pictured is one of my favorites: Michael Myers. Halloween 2 stands out as one of favorite horror movies of all time, and I never get tired of watching it. I sure hope we stop for ice cream on the way back....
Sunday, September 28, 2008
We made it to Oil Can Harrys in good time, and had a blast taking in all the early birds and other sights of the bar before things got crazy. I was reluctant at first to wear the "HE LOVES THE COCK" t shirt (for fear of messing up before next week), but was thankful to Chris for talking me into trying them out.
We were the hit of the bar; we had people coming up to us the whole time asking about them and commenting on them. I was glad for one, because for the first time in a long time , it was good to see Chris truly happy and comfortable in his own skin. We definitely enjoyed ourselves and just being together, and there was no mention of the infamous Quilter. Just when things could not get any better, in walks Jesse from Bravo's Workout reality series. I spotted him right off the bat, but it was Chris that had the gumption to ask him to take pictures with us (as shown, Anya!).
I just did not want the night to end, but it had to.....The drive home was nice, and the conversation was amazing. But I have to admit, I have not completely got the hang of driving an SUV, and I am sure that made for some uncomfortable moments for both Chris and Paul. In the end, we all made it all home safe and sound and I could not have asked for a better group of guys to spend the night with (at least, with our clothes on..). Somethings do not last forever, but HELLFIRE does!!!
Friday, September 26, 2008
All my life, I always have felt like I never fit in. Whether it be at home, school, and out in the world, there was always somebody who let me know that I had no right to be where I was. This set me on this crazy adventure where I thought if I was just as smart (or smarter) and or as fun, people who would like me better...I have earned quite a few awards, honors, and other types of recognition, but it never took away the feeling that I didn't "measure up". It took the better part of 19 years to come to the realization that I was gay. For me, it made of lot of things make sense for me which constantly nagged at me; the love for the Carpenters' music, sewing, women's melodramas.
Even while I was embracing this new identity, I continued to feel "outside", while I was making my way. I am not sure about the rest of you, but during this period, I had this vision in my head that if I gave the guy everything he wanted, he would something of what I needed. This led to a succession of guys whom loved me a lot less than I loved them, and I suffered as a result. Fast forward to eight years ago, I met the man whom I will call Cowboy. I was taken by surprise with this one, because he fit none of the descriptions of the fantasy men I thought I was "fated" to be with , he seemed to love me as much or more as I loved him, and the romance was on. Things went blissfully along for a number of years. But as time went on, I began to see things as they were, and not as I wanted them to be. In the end, I could not stay with a man who could not love himself in all of his complexities. He would and could never to terms with who he is, and the stress and strain of this conflict tore at the very foundation of the relationship, and I thought it better to end it, rather than coming to resent him for a choice that is for him alone to make.
The reason why I am choosing this time to write this, is because I have just learned that he is going to have a procedure done on his heart in the next two weeks, and I am fearful of the outcome. No matter how he was with me, there is a part of me that will always love him, and the memories we built together. He taught me so much about love, and how and how not to treat someone I care deeply for. And while this is all happening, I am also beginning the second phase of my graduate program where I will be conducting mental health assessments and practicing therapy with children and families. As I begin this phase, I wonder if I am going to find some way to "screw" things up, as I have in so many relationships, and do harm? I feel I am a competent student counselor, but there is always the thought that I have never fit in, how can help other integrate in the same mainstream I have never felt a part of? I guess is the new lesson I have to learn on my journey.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I was not able to put a name to it then, but stomach always got a little tight when my eyes fell on the form of John Ritter aka "Jack Tripper". That winsome smile, his quirky sense of humor, and that hot patch of fur on his chest was my first pre-teen gay Happy Meal.
Soon, other men came to take his place; Lou Ferrigno (Incredible Hulk) that guy from the live-action Spider-man series, and Bo and Luke Duke from Dukes of Hazzard (the real show, not that crappy movie). I kissed many men afterwards, but this one was my first introduction to unbridled man on man attraction....Memories, like the corners of my mind.......
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
This summer has been one of the worst summers on record for me. Going a gruelling quarter of grad school, ex-boyfriend drama, and seeing someone I care for deeply go through one of the most trying periods of his life, really shook me to my core. While it seemed as though me and the people I loved were taking hits from all sides, I lost sight of the lesson I learned from one Misty Knight.
Life is not fair to anyone. Not to my friends, my family, or to me...We loose many things on the journey we call Life. A lover, a friend, sanity, even our right arm (like Misty's). But the challenge for us as people is come back stronger than we were before, and never lose sight of the qualities and the connections to give meanings our lives. That truth became evident to me when I saw what my dearest friend went through. I have a new found respect for him, and I think our friendship (I feel) has truly deepened.
The new quarter just started this week, and I am well ready for whatever life has to throw at me. Just like Misty Knight. My grandmother used to always talk about "the things you can buy with blue chip stamps" . She never lied.
Monday, September 1, 2008
1. Bleu Cheese? Yes. It's kind of like my men: a tangy flavor that goes down smoothly.
2. Have you ever smoked? Never ! I know I am gay and all, but please...I would put something that small in my mouth to take a puff on...Sorry
3. Do you own a gun? Nope, but I want one for my birthday some day.
4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite? Cherry or the Red one (as it is called at home)
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? A little bit. The only ones I was was staring at my cupcaks and the twig and berries are my potential "prey".
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Which ones? I am fixated on some more than others.
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Tie: "Christmas Story" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" - Both remind me of me of my family (only with white people in the situations).
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? A big hulking glass of Mountain Dew over crushed ice.. Coffee sucks
9. Can you do push ups? Yes, I do them to get me prepared for other strenous activities and positions I get into...
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My pendant that is in the shape of a razor blade...just my thing
11. Favorite hobby? Comic Books and Queer Cinema...I am a rabid mess about both of these.
12. Do you have A.D.D.? According to my family and coworkers I have ADHD...And you can't hold me down long enough to medicate me ....BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA
13. Do you wear glasses/contacts? Glasses...but only while reading and/or using the computer.. Hated glasses all my life. My friends and family will tell you how careless I am with them.
14. Middle names? Alex Jason the Third
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? tired, work, getting my malpractice insurance
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Mountain Dew, Lemonade (and lots of it) , Dr. Pepper.
17. Current worry? School (Major) & Weight Issues (every once in a while)
18. Current hate right now? Some sow at work not doing her fair share.....
19. Favorite place to be? Any adventure with the Scooby Gang or my crazy solo antics
20. How did you bring in the New Year? With the Scooby Gang having good times.
21. Where would you like to go? Melbourne, Australia (for this hot guy I know) London, England, and South Africa
22. Name three people who will complete this? my friend's The other Alex,....also Victor.
23. Do you own slippers? Yes, I am a homosexual...
24. What shirt are you wearing? Fun X-men t shirt
25. Where will you be spending Christmas? With family
26. Can you whistle? yes, but not very well
27. Favorite color? Blue and red
28. Would you be a pirate? a butt pirate. I have plundered many a hot booty. Ahoy
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Got to Be Real, Queen of the Night, I am Changing
30. Favorite Girl’s Name? Esmerelda
31. Favorite Boy’s name? Bocephus
32. What’s in your pocket right now? A Lion and he's ready to roar
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My evil sister eating it when she dove for a ball during volleyball game.
35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Jaked my left ankle up during a PE game in high school..Hurts when it gets cold
36. Do you love where you live? I used to, but all these Johnny come latelies have moved out here....sigh
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? One in the living room and in the other rooma so I guess that makes 4.
38. Name 3 other words for penis: joy stick, meat sword, pogo.
39. Name 3 other words for vagina: fish grotto, vagina dentata, the nether region.
40. Name 3 other words for Tits: fub bags, gozongas, dirty boulders
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Me and the Scooby Gang had a blast on Friday, and we got to make a new friend and potential member. I will be so glad when Fall gets here. I am so hyped after the new installment of Heroes (barring an actors' strike), and getting crazy.....Exit, stage Right
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
There I was, just enjoying the my last week of freedom before going to summer school, when I got a call at work. Turns out my ex had a heart attack and was being taken by ambulance from his home to hospital 20 miles away. All sorts of things ran through my head at this time. While the break up was unevenful, I was not going out of my way to be accomodating to him when called asking to "meet up and talk". I wasn't rude or anything, I just kept setting clear boundaries with him, so as to not fall into the same old trap, making with the hot and sweaty for "old time's sake.
But what really slapped me in the face, was the fact that I still care for him, and no matter what his issues were/are, I can't deny that I love/loved him. And then I started feeling guilty for breaking up with him, and how that might have lead up to this.
Over and over, there are stories of how people have died of "broken heart", and the way we left things the last time would fit right in with this. I know I did the right thing, because in time, I would have come to resent him for not having the balls to stand up to his family and his friends to acknowledge who I was to him. But now, I am so confused about my emotions and reaction to the whole thing. I total lost my sh** on Wednesday, and had to take a little personal time to deal. It took a little time, but I was able to pull it together and finish out the work week. I even hung out with the Scooby Gang for dinner on Friday night.
When Saturday rolled around, I made the trip up to Tulare to see him. They had moved him from Intensive Care to a regular room, and he was strong enough to have visitors. We talked for a while about the good times and things we shared, and then the time came for me to go. As I was about to leave, he told me that he called for me as he being taken away in the ambulance, and that he had to see me. And then he said that he would always love me.
He was released from the hospital yesterday, and the calls are coming in. I am just a confused mess, and I really hate feeling this way. Man, I sound like a bad Madonna song. I am scared to see where this is all heading. How is it that you can know intellectually that someone is WRONG for you, but have these feelings that rock you to your core? WTF!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
After campaigning as much Obama, some kind soul finally tagged me to do my five.... I hope these anwers are relevant and educational...
1. Share 5 unknown Facts about yourself.
2. Pay it forward! Link 5 more bloggers and include their names in your post.
3. Leave them a comment on their blog and let them know that they’ve been tagged.
Here's my 5:
1) This is going to guarantee I have enemies after this: I think Justin Timberlake is overrated. Strike that: I think he is OVER! Sure, he's put out some nice ear candy over the years, but come on! Michael Jackson did this crap 25 years earlier (and better). Put the Jesus juice down, and get some real skills.
2) My secret shame: I always wanted to be on MTV's the Real World ( Seasons 1 through 6), when they were good (except for London!). I would have been great for casting: I am hyper, talk a lot of trash, and my genetic predisposition for bitchiness would have made me America's next gay sweetheart... Sigh
3) I got porn star Max Grand all soak and wet (I wish I had in another fashion...he he he ) at LA Pride a few years back.
4) My sisters and I knew the closing dance routine to Solid Gold by heart, and would do it every Saturday night at the end; (Solid Gold, filling up your life with music, Solid Gold...lol)
5) I still have the CD Single to Vanilla Ice's Cool as Ice, with hot mess/train wreck/ model Naomi Campbell singing the hook.
Well, my work is done...
I am tagging Chris, Paul, Alex, and Greg
Monday, June 9, 2008
1) Where is your cell phone? In my pants. No comments from the peanut gallery.
2) Your significant other? A four hour compilation...It takes the edge off and knows when to shut its yap.
3) Your hair? almost ready to go into Afro puffs
4) Your skin? a nice golden brown...I put the lotion on its skin so it doesn't get the hose.
5) Your father? Has more issues with me than the rack at Borders booksellers.
6) Your favorite thing? My 7 lbs of canine fury (Sprinkles)
7) Your dream last night? I had a dream I was having a major thrown down with a former friend of mine.. My BFF knows who it is..
8')Your favorite drink? Anything that can make my nipples stand at attention
9) Your dream/goal? To be a well paid therapist, and living at my full potential with my family and friends
10) The room you’re in? My bedroom and enjoying Dante's Cove Season 3!
11) Your ex? ...Two words - Closet Mess
12) Your fear? My mother.. She has a glare that can melt metal..Thank goodness I will have therapy soon!
13) Where do you want to be in 6 years? Having my practice and place to call my own. Maybe even becoming a dad with a partner or on my own.
14) Where were you last night? Terrorizing small children..Actually swimming and playing with my nieces and nephews...!
15) What you’re not? A Caucasian Heterosexual.
16) Muffins? The best comfort food on a cold winter morning!
17) One of your wish list items? Keep up my nerve to go on all gay cruise when I graduate school.
18) Where you grew up? Like a John Cougar Mellencamp song: Born in a small town (Bakersfield), live in a small town; gonna die in a small town...
19) The last thing you did? This cute boy I met .....Wait! that was last night..Finished the day's paperwork and then came home.
20) what are you wearing? Gap muscle shirt and some cut-off sweats..seductive!
21) Your TV? Gets a lot of action. YAY Porn!
22) Your pets? my fur face Sprinkles
23) Your computer? Is my other brain.
24) Your life? A gayer version of Sex and the City.
25) Your mood? Has more swings than playground..Waiting for my grades for Spring Quarter
26) Missing someone? so much right now, but he's going to be moving back to Australia...sigh
27) Your car? Is probably going to die soon
28')Something you’re not wearing? a thong. That would get me into a lot of trouble. Very uncomfortable I might add.
29) Favorite store? Target. Most of the clerks know me, and I can have a pleasant shopping experience while avoiding so much of the trailer trash milling around at Wally.
30) Your summer? will be hot and sweaty.But then I have to get off the boys and go to work and summer school.
31) Like someone? yes, but it is doomed from the start.
32) Your favorite color? is blue (da ba di ba da ba)
33) When is the last time you laughed? Two minutes ago at my neighbor's misfortune.
34) Last time you cried? was Saturday afternoon watching Beaches. The shot of the hearse rounding the bend while "Wind Beneath My Wings" gets me every time. Is that gay?
35) Who will/would re-post this? People who want to avoiding doing something else.
36) Whose answers are you anxious to see? Whomever wants to share..I am a giver.
37) Most disliked vegetable? Okra..yuck
38') A lovely Person? BFF Chris...Sometimes..We are too much alike!!!
39) Country I want to visit? Australia. There is a hot man there I going to need to molest again and again..
40) Lucky number? My lucky number 3 (again, no comments from the peanut gallery.
Man, I feel so much better now....
Friday, June 6, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
This past Friday, my gay mafia and I made the pilgrimage to the Nirvana called Sex and the City, the movie. At times like this, I wonder: what are setting ourselves up for? We were lucky enough to even get tickets for Friday, and as far the eye can see women in horrible fashions flashed before my eyes. While I can identify with a character or two from the show as well as the next woman or gay man, the LAST thing I need to hear in the background is every woman and gay guy saying such gems as :"I am SO the Carrie of my group!" Trick, please! Save this tired argument for the car
Monday, May 12, 2008
The festivities started off quietly enough with me having yet another excruciating day at work, and the only thing saving me was that I was leaving work early (as I do on most Fridays). Just as I was about to to go over the walls, who should accost me? This closet case blow hard(he he he "blow hard) I can't stand (and who hates me in equal measure) with some delicious bit of gossip he wanted to impart to me. As anyone who knows me might guess, I was distrustful of this gesture, as previous exchanges between us have always had some edge to them. I will elaborate on this on a future post, but needless to say he shared that the horrible hag I told you about earlier was getting her just deserts. I was taken aback by all of this, as previously my frienemy received valuable information that I had on him from this rotten turncoat, and here he was trying to bond with me in our mutual dislike of this traitorous witch. Turns out, she will be having to work for her supper this summer in the most degrading of fashions, and I didn't have to lift a finger to exact my revenge. Thank you, Karma.
I was so inspired by this, that I had to give back to the universe, and help a dear friend of mine get a little taste of vengeance himself......I will not go into details, but I hope that my covert action stratagem gives my friend a little more comfort, and removes all doubt that 90's Alex is DEAD AND BURIED!!! After I completed my mission, I could not help but look back at how my favorite X-man Storm had evolved. I also see myself in transition, and now realize I can never be the "Alex" I was, or pretended to be. While it is scary sometimes, there is a a part of me that welcomes it.....
Monday, May 5, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
The day started off simple enough with me enjoying my porn, showering, getting ready for work, and then spending the day doing the bare minimum to get my paperwork done ,all the while dealing with drama not of my own making. Cut from all the boring crap to my crazy dash to get to my seminar for my Masters Program in Social Work.
The night goes off without much fanfare, until my group is called to post a discussion bulletin for the week. My hag (aka alternative lifestyle accessory according to Rick and Steve) has the bright idea that our discussion should be on gay marriage. Almost immediately, several sets of eyes zeroed in on me as if I was wearing pink taffeta, or just cut one in the room (sorry, Xander). Without fail, this hoodrat in the class started raising objections, saying that this has nothing to do with public policy and that she strongly disagreed because it gave "special rights" to gays.
People who know me know just how I get when I feel disrespected or upset....Luckily the professor corrected her, and my hag talked me down from putting on a show.
It just amazes me how ignorant people think that their personal beliefs give them a forum say some of the most scathing comments about other people and sit in righteous indignation. The thing about this situation all the more infuriating to me was that was coming from another person of African American descent. Given our shared history of hatred and mistrust, you would think that most black people would be sensistive and empathetic to gay people. So much for that idea. Another the thing that really struck me about the moral comments this woman was making was that she had a child out wedlock. So that makes me a sodomite, and she a fornicator..Which one is worse?
Being a double minority, I am almost constantly aware that there are very few places where I feel that I "belong". It just amazes me that I get the message two days in a row, that there are people out there that want to make sure that myself and people like me stay on the margins, whether it be black people who have issues with gay sexuality, and some gay people who have issues with gay people that are black...
I am so looking forward to posting this bulletin with my group..Just like Joan said to the Pepsi execs; " Don't F**k with me boys!"
Monday, April 21, 2008
For starters, I had such a good time with the Sunday Family get together and putting more stuff of my IPod (it's like crack!) that I dragged my sorry gluteous to bed at 2:45 am! Then I got back up around 5 to gt ready for work.... Let me inform you gentle readers that on Mondays and Wednesdays, I work from 7 to 6:30pm...Needless to say, I was looking at hot mess when I got in to work, and headed straight for my cube.. And just like that, I run into the most irritating coworkers that I have in the building.
Our history of hate began when I first got hired on. Almost from the start, she made it no secret that she had a problem with how "out" I am at work, and how everything that came out of my mouth was "gay, gay, gay!" Anyways another one of our coworkers came in and asked how my weekend went. I spun her all the details of the adventures I had at my usual Family Sunday get together, and then went into the Scooby Gang's travel to the Casa. For some reason this perked Baroness Bitchy's interest and she proceeded to get into my Kool Aid with, "Is that all you can talk about?" That was it. I became Lil Kim and let loose with some mean comments. Suffice it to say, I let her know it was "noneya" (none of your business). She left in a huff, I was content with enjoying the rest of my morning breakfast, and dealing with today's drama.
At first I felt bad, but then the more I thought about it, the more pissed I got. In almost every setting, straights never have to apologize for how they live their lives, but us gays are always on the defensive for sharing the smallest aspects of our lives with friends and family.
Let me be the first to tell you; I am done with editing my life for people who mean less to me that a pound of dead flies so they can feel comfortable in their surroundings and not have their ideas of what gay people are "supposed to be" challenged.
A great thinker once said; "I yam what I yam, and that I yam" and he was right....Popeye, this one's for you...
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I had great weekend out my gay posse, whom I affectionately call the "Scooby Gang" after the group of characters on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I guess I call our group this, because our relationships are similar to theirs, and week after week we go out into a world that doesn't always "get" us. But thankfully we have a language and a comfort zone all our own, and I don't know where I would be without them.. Just for the curious, here is the breakdown of the group as I see it ; Chris = Buffy, Paul = Xander , Alex = Willow, John = Dawn, and Tim = Giles... Now that the preliminaries are out of the way let me go on about the weekend..
I made the effort to find a new gay horror movie, and all I ended up with was In The Blood.. I am so sorry gang that the movie was craptastic, but I am so TIRED of all the recycled horror movies that are subpar to the originals...Come on now... Halloween should have been left alone, the Hills Have Eyes should have been left alone, and finally Prom Night (you picked this one Chris) should have been LEFT ALONE!! Has Hollywood run out of ideas to scare people. I hate to be blunt, but I don't think I can sit through yet another Rob Zombie cinematic diaper stain, while I am craving the next horror movie to send me over...There has been a great horror movie in some time, and I think the viewing public deserves one. Well after our flaccid movie viewing, we proceeded to go to our local watering hole to see what mischief we could get into. Let me be the first to say that I have long had my issues with the Casa (the exorbitant cover charge, crappy music, over priced drinks, vapid people) but the Friday night at the Casa with the Gang was one of the better nights we've had out in Bako in some time. There was a different (and better DJ) spinning some good tunes, and the drag show in the smoking area provided nonstop comedy relief. It was truly a fun outing. As we were driving home, I felt that this was where I belonged, and that there was no where else I wanted to be that night. Thanks you guys, and a special shout out to Anya (the other "Chris") .
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Don't you just love Mondays?! Well mine started off nice enough, with me taking and leisurely drive into work bopping along to some wonderful tunes I "liberated" (read; pilfered) from sister's lovely cache of 80's tunes. Just as I was pulling into my usual spot, THERE IT WAS!!
Some donkey raping bastard had the nerve to park in my spot! I carefully maneuvered my vehicle around truckzilla, and made a careful inspection of some one's overcompensation for what he or she lacked. It was just purchased in Woodland Hills and I could still smell the smugness of the owner at having usurped my territory. When I went into to the office to inquire who parked in my parking space , I was informed by one of my faithful minions that the owner of the truck in question belonged to a woman co-worker I once considered a friend at work.
Our friendship started innocently enough when she was hired on at our company roughly two years ago, and I made the mistake of trying to make her feel welcomed. She was just out of grad school, several years younger, and totally obsessed with my (nerdy) eye wear . As she tried to make herself comfortable at the office, she seemed to go out of her way to get my attention. Lunches, tearful confessions about her past, and invitations to her dinner parties, were numerous. As time went on, I foolishly let down my guard and let her in on some of the pitfalls of work, and people to avoid in our office, and one person in particular. It is common knowledge in my office that I am "fabulous", and been in a longstanding feud with an over dramatic, closet queen who is known to frequent certain rest areas, for which I have secretly obtained photographic documentation in my arsenal for potential use at a later time. For a while it seemed as though it it were she and I against the office, but over the last 8 months things began to change.
For some unknown reason, I was unceremoniously dumped, and she has begun a campaign to mess with my head and break me. As if I didn't already had enough with my ex and all the things going on with my "real friends", this hooker is trying to rub salt in my wounds, by parking in my reserved spot that I personally marked, and has even went on to form a friendship with my work archenemy and sharing all my secrets. I know for most of you this seems like one of life's little annoyances, but for me, it is another indication of the passive aggressive crap she has perpetrated against me that I have perfected in my on life . One thing I can tell you for sure; this battle is far from over... Popular wisdom has it that "Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned". That poor sucker has no idea how that fury pales besides the fury of a queen that has been scorned! I have the volume up on Jagged Little Pill on my way home.
To Be Continued.....
Sunday, April 6, 2008
With times like these, it is good to have your friends. It really broke my heart to see my best friend hurting so bad, and all over a certain puffy shirt wearing, self absorbed, quilt making individual that resembles said advertisement on the left. It seems that so many people are into sad little heart games with people, that fail to take into account the harm they do to the other people besides the person on the receiving end of the drama. With his unthinking and uncaring actions, he has hurt two people I care for a great deal and feels not the slightest remorse.When I went out to breakfast with my friends, to the movies, and out shopping and dancing, and all our best efforts could not bring him out of his funk...
There should be a special place in hell for people who delight in creating unnecessary drama, lying without a conscience, and playing the "victim". I wish there was some way I could take away so much of the hurt and pain you are going through, but I believe you are strong enough to handle anything that life can throw at you. I remember a conversation that we had yesterday when you felt that you were just like the person you were after your last soul-crushing breakup. I have to disagree with you on this one. At least this time, you had the courage to face your situation, (and not pull a b***h move like text your feelings on a cell phone), and you were able to hold on. All I can say is remember who you are, and that your friends are here.... Never forget that..
Sunday, March 30, 2008
home to find my best friend hurting, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know that he is and
grown man, and that he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself, but the very thought of
him in such pain really brings out the "Mama Grizzly" in me.... We have been best friends for
well over 12 years, and as far as I am concerned, he is my family, and you just don't treat him that way!! We have cried, screamed, fought, and laughed over just about everything in that time... I just hope he knows that I am here for him, and I will always have his back..no matter what. Well, I have said my piece on this...On to my own personal melodrama...
While I was out on my gay outward bound, I made the crazy decision to stop by and see an ex of mine... Before the peanut gallery starts chiming in with: "Oh, I know you did him," and "Tramp", shut the f/u and listen to the rest of twisted little tale. I took care of the thing I needed to do for work, but whenever I am in Fresno/Tulare area, I get that inner need to pay him a visit. Call it a force of habit, contact high, or just plain nostalgia, I have to go by just to see if I had made the right decision in ending our little Affair to Remember. So many things were wrong this relationship; he could never fully coming out to his friends or even to himself, and he was extending this invitation for me to rent out space in this closet of his. And me being the young and restless fool that I was at the time, gladly accepted the invite. But not anymore.
When I came up on the house, everything was the eerily the same. The smell of his front yard, the sandalwood smell of his house, and that pungent scent of skin of sweat and aftershave that always made me pop a tent. But just before I gave in to the "Love Hangover" disco porno music playing in my head (I need medication for this), my mind did a replay of the last few years we spent together. Being passed over so that he could take a "beard" to his high school reunion, sleeping in separate rooms (except when he the Hershey big block), so that people might not suspect, and being so embarrassed to claim me as his companion (sorry, not into whole idea of being called "Lover") when it truly would have a mattered.
With those things in mind, the wood went away faster than Jessica Simpson's career, and I was able to maintain a detach distance while speaking to him. We enjoyed a nice conversation and reconnected about our shared history and how things have changed for the good and bad. We must have talked for a good three hours, but just as I was turning to leave he started in with the "Oh, you must be tired. You sleep here if you like. I promise I won't try anything." I have seen enough ABC Afterschool Specials and Lifetime (television for women (and gay men) to see where this was going. It took some doing, but I was able to Markie Post my way out the situation, and get back to my destination.
As I was driving down the road, I had another epiphany (the first of many to come, my imagined dear readers). It would have been so easy to give into the memory impressions and the history this guy represented. But at what cost? Making the naked pretzel with him would have got the wheel spinning all over again with the demands that I drive up to see him, only to spend the evening with his neighbors doing our Sigfried and Roy drag, and another piece of me dying inside. I was right in ending the relationship, because my resentment would have only grown, and I truly would have hated him for it. I can take comfort in the fact that they we made some truly special memories together, and that he came into my life at a time that I needed to learn something from him. And then irony of ironies, Styx's "The Best of Times" was blasting out of my car stereo. Needless to say, I was pumping fist (not in the dirty sense, filthies!) and singing along, much to the dismay of my fellow drivers witnessing this event.
And so I close with this little kernel of knowledge for my best friend that is hurting out there: These are the best of times. You have your friends, your health, and your life. Everything else is negotiable. Although it seems like your heart is on the floor, there are so many people that are willing and able to stand with you through the fire, and all the drama that is sure to follow. Long live Hellfire!......