Sunday, July 27, 2008

A Super Sunday Screed!

What am I doing to myself ?!! I had a good six days off from work, and I went to Comi-Con with the BFF and kid brother. You would think I would be on top of the world, right? Right? Well, I sitting here, typing away in the cool of the night trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. After getting back from the Con (which was ok). I went out on a date with this hot guy I talk to from time to time, but know in my heart it is not going to go anywhere. The reason why I know it is not going to go anywhere is because his VISA is up in two years, and he will be moving back to Australia. I had a great time with him at dinner and afterwards, but I could tell I was not feeling so hot. Unfortunately I had to cut the date short, and make a bee line for the homestead.
Once I got home, I had some of the most excruciating, explosive, expulsions witness in human history. I finally got to separate from the porcelain receptacle and get some sleep. I woke up saturday afternoon feeling like a wet food stamp (worthless) and no energy. As much I was I wanted to go out on the town (or bettter yet, out of town) and make some Misfit mischief, the body did not want to cooperate. As much as I hate to admit it, I felt every bit the man in late 30's I try to rebel against. I finally started to feel better today, and a good thing too because I had to take a quiz for my grad seminar. And then to top it off I get a call from the ex telling me that he is doing better and wanting to see me. I had to let him know that he wouldn't like me if he saw me like this, but he kept going on about how much he wished things were different, and how he thinks of me often.
When I got off the phone with him, I felt almost as bad as the day before. A part of me will always love the ex, and want the best for him. But then there is the other side that could never fall completely in love with him again, because he can never come to terms with his sexuality enough to put me and what we had first. His family, his business associates, and his friends will always be fed some line about the nature of our "friendship", and who he is. I am too old to inhabit somebody else's closet. But then I wonder does that make me an awful person?
And then I wonder if I am doing the right thing with the whole grad school mess. All my life I have been an overachiever. Now I am freaking out at the prospect of getting a "b" in class.
Maybe it's just my fever induced delirium or the medications to treat the symptoms, but I really need to take the reins again.....