Another WTF Weekend...

Did you ever have weekends where you couldn't wait for them to be over so that you go back to work and not think about what is going on in your personal life? This was just such a weekend. Let me rephrase that: it was the whole week before!

There I was, just enjoying the my last week of freedom before going to summer school, when I got a call at work. Turns out my ex had a heart attack and was being taken by ambulance from his home to hospital 20 miles away. All sorts of things ran through my head at this time. While the break up was unevenful, I was not going out of my way to be accomodating to him when called asking to "meet up and talk". I wasn't rude or anything, I just kept setting clear boundaries with him, so as to not fall into the same old trap, making with the hot and sweaty for "old time's sake.

But what really slapped me in the face, was the fact that I still care for him, and no matter what his issues were/are, I can't deny that I love/loved him. And then I started feeling guilty for breaking up with him, and how that might have lead up to this.

Over and over, there are stories of how people have died of "broken heart", and the way we left things the last time would fit right in with this. I know I did the right thing, because in time, I would have come to resent him for not having the balls to stand up to his family and his friends to acknowledge who I was to him. But now, I am so confused about my emotions and reaction to the whole thing. I total lost my sh** on Wednesday, and had to take a little personal time to deal. It took a little time, but I was able to pull it together and finish out the work week. I even hung out with the Scooby Gang for dinner on Friday night.

When Saturday rolled around, I made the trip up to Tulare to see him. They had moved him from Intensive Care to a regular room, and he was strong enough to have visitors. We talked for a while about the good times and things we shared, and then the time came for me to go. As I was about to leave, he told me that he called for me as he being taken away in the ambulance, and that he had to see me. And then he said that he would always love me.

He was released from the hospital yesterday, and the calls are coming in. I am just a confused mess, and I really hate feeling this way. Man, I sound like a bad Madonna song. I am scared to see where this is all heading. How is it that you can know intellectually that someone is WRONG for you, but have these feelings that rock you to your core? WTF!