I Can (Almost) See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone

Things have really been looking (pun) up since I had my eye surgery. I can see (at least) out of one eye, and am scheduled to have the other one done the first of February. I never had any idea how much my sight meant to me...I was off for three weeks, from grad school, work, and my internship, because I was unable to drive, read and write documents, do all the things I was required to do.

Having all this time to think about things really forced me to look at things in my life, and try to make changes. For starters, I am learning that I am a good person at my core, and sometimes I need to believe that I have all the tools I need to be the person I need to be. For the longest time, I have been carrying around all this drama about my failed relationship, not graduating at the time I wanted to, and not feeling that I was "good enough" to love me the way I needed to be loved. I am so used to owning all the bad stuff in my life, that I often fail to "see" all the good things come in. So as a result, I feel buried in the rubble that is my life. So now I trying to walk a different path.

I have begun the task of simplifying my life, and taking on things that I really feel passionate about. I have also made a promise to myself to love the people that care about me REALLY hard, and let go of all the hurt of pain I have been holding onto, because over time it becomes what your life is all about.

I am gearing up complete the final leg of my graduate school adventure, and am looking forward to what my future holds.

I'm Too Old For This !

I don't know if it just me, but I have waxing poetic aboout my life in recent months. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I will soon be turning 40 in the next weeks. For the most part I have never let a number, my waist size, or the way I looked ever bring me down or feel less about myself. And then 40 came!
I am feeling that some of the way I a feeling has to do with finding out that I been diagnosed with premature cataracts (at 30!) and some recent health issues I had earlier this year. This combined with my crazy sxhedule has forced me to realized that I am not infallible or unstoppable. I know that common wisdom tells us that this feeling of being invulnerable is supposed to be common and pass in adolescence, but I have also found this to be true amongst some of the gay men I have encountered Thi feeling that we can overcome time as well as other limitations.
I have had the distict pleasure this year to see that I am not impervious, and that I should not allow my pride to prevent me from accepting help from the people that care about me. For that, I thank you Chris, Tim, Paul, and yes even Juan for helping me to see this..There are some things that you can learn in graduate school, but there other things that you have to learn in life. I am an eager student for this lesson I had to learn.
I am not sure if this is my midlife crisis, or my trasnsition into older gay, but I feel as though there is a change that is taking place within me. I feel a great deal of trepidation, but I also realize that this is something we all (gay or straight) have to go through. I have a big patch of gray in my haor, my body is different, and my eyes don't respond the way they used to. But I am still here for the party, and whatever things I need to go through in this new year. I am in this body, and loo k forward to this new phase in my life..
Now I have gotten that part out of the way, let me tell you what I won't be doing:

1. Buying Abercrombie and Fitch to feel "hot"- They never have black people in most of their photos and most of their stuff is overpriced.

2, Chasing younger men just for youth's sake. - What will be able to talk about? I am all about Fame (the original movie) not thar new piece of crap!

3. Having elctive surgeries - I hate getting cut on accident,. Why would I do it on purpose...Please/

4. Spend outrageous amounts of money - I will have $30,000 in debt from grad school.. Already done!

5. Sleeping with people to feel better about myself - One of my cardinal rules when I first came out. I have never done it, and I pray I never will.

6. Letting go of my childhood sense of wonder - It one of the things I have held onto, and binds me to many of mymclosest friends. I think it is one of the things that will keep me fiesty until the end.

My mother once told me that: Everything will change around you. The only thing you can hold onto are your word and who you are>" This is what I take with me into the new year and beyond.

Strength, Courage, and Wisdom

What am I dong? It is coming to the last few months of grad school, I am just coming into the home stretch of my internship and I feeling like such a mess. Was all of the things I went through really worth it? These past 6 months have really forced me to take a hard look at what has been my motivation for change. I have really enjoyed the process of leaqrning more and more about myself, and becoming slf aware of the troubling patterms which have impacted my life. I've learned that I have a great capacity for compassion, and often following my heart has led me down paths I should have known better. Just this year alone I have faced; a debilitating illness. and terrifying health scare, betrayal at work, and a soul ctushing depression. And the one thing that I have always counted on was my own inner strength and resiliency, but most of this time it was not enough. I am just coming out of the nice end of the tunnel. and I am just starting to get my footing again. It just seems as though there are to many haters in my life right now. and I want to have my strength back to face them all. And now I am dealing with the fact that I recently found out that I have premature cataracts, and will be having introcular surgert on both eyes next months. Here's to better next year. and me coming out the better for it.

Who's Gonna Check Me, Boo?

Yes, I am back again...I cannot believe that it has been over seven months since I last put anything on here!! It is not as though there have been no adventures along the way!! Work drama, School drama, and my own medical emergencies this summer....I am about to embark on my last year of graduate school, and I am feeling a little somber, a little wiser, and a LOT older (as the silver streak in the middle hair reminds me!). But as things start to pick up speed, I am so nervous about what is going to happen next with school and all...On the work front: Work is Work..I have had my share of battles there, but even though I am under a lot of stress, I am not about to back down to ANYBODY that is trying to bring me down as I am making my way...After going through what I have went through this summer, I have learned so much more about myself that I ever could have from school. I am so glad that I had my friends to go through it with me..It is because of them that nobody can EVER check me....Thanks, Scoobies!

The Little Things

I know it has been a while since my last posting, but going to grad school and living your life really takes the wind out of your sails. For starters, trying to do two jobs at your office (Case Manager, and Therapist) is not something I would recommend to anyone. That, and reading several chapters a week, writing papers, and taking quizzes. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

But the one thing I have learned from all of this, is that I go through some much od this alone. I know I have support, and people that care about me, but when the push comes to shove, I have to take care of it on my own. I was watching Buffy (one one of my breaks, and it is the last episode on Season 2 when she has to face Angel by herself. He has her on her knees and he is boasting how he taken things away away from her and what could she do now? I am standing on that same precipice, having no job security, no idea how long I can keep running at this pace, and will I ever find the man I am supposed to be with. Things are coming me at me harder and faster than I ever thought possible....And I have to face them ...alone