I want to be invulnerable

There has been so much going on, that I haven't had to the time write. Or maybe it has been so much, I just didn't want to write it all down. Sometimes when you write things down, it takes on a life of its own. I just had my 39th birthday, and I have been looking over the course of my life. I am single (again), and looking a dating pool that consists of immature men in their 20's who have an overwhelming sense of entitlements, and older men in their 30's and up, who want physical perfection and have nothing between their ears to offer in the ways of romance. It just seems as though nobody is interested in courtship at this point in time.
Don't get me wrong; I LOVE to get down and dirty as the next guy, (and believe you me, I HAVE!) But there is nothing there to make me believe that I can have something that I could call a relationship. And I should be used to that. It is hard to date in Bakersfield, but it is harder when you're a black gay man. Here are the frequent comments you hear: " (1)I like you a lot, but my family would freak if I were dating a black guy. (2) I just wanted to see what it was like to be with a black. you know what they say." I am really selling this town, right?
On the other front, I am still dealing with stuff from my ex. He had to be hospitalized Saturday night, and is back in the ICU. He is asking for me, and wanting me to come up there. Once, there would have been a time I would have run up there without asking, and know I am questioning the whole thing. I got into a negative exchange with his neighbor about not coming, but she does not know the whole story, or even the fact that he and I were even a couple. I ended the relationship because I could not believe in someone that could not believe in me. And now, he wanting me to go back into situation and using his condition to make me feel guilty.
I just wish things would get easier, and now I am even starting to doubt if I am capable of becoming a real therapist since I am having dealing with all these issues. There will tons more as progress in my studies. I just wish I was little stronger, or invulnerable even.
Regardless, I have to keep going....