My Journey

All my life, I always have felt like I never fit in. Whether it be at home, school, and out in the world, there was always somebody who let me know that I had no right to be where I was. This set me on this crazy adventure where I thought if I was just as smart (or smarter) and or as fun, people who would like me better...I have earned quite a few awards, honors, and other types of recognition, but it never took away the feeling that I didn't "measure up". It took the better part of 19 years to come to the realization that I was gay. For me, it made of lot of things make sense for me which constantly nagged at me; the love for the Carpenters' music, sewing, women's melodramas.
Even while I was embracing this new identity, I continued to feel "outside", while I was making my way. I am not sure about the rest of you, but during this period, I had this vision in my head that if I gave the guy everything he wanted, he would something of what I needed. This led to a succession of guys whom loved me a lot less than I loved them, and I suffered as a result. Fast forward to eight years ago, I met the man whom I will call Cowboy. I was taken by surprise with this one, because he fit none of the descriptions of the fantasy men I thought I was "fated" to be with , he seemed to love me as much or more as I loved him, and the romance was on. Things went blissfully along for a number of years. But as time went on, I began to see things as they were, and not as I wanted them to be. In the end, I could not stay with a man who could not love himself in all of his complexities. He would and could never to terms with who he is, and the stress and strain of this conflict tore at the very foundation of the relationship, and I thought it better to end it, rather than coming to resent him for a choice that is for him alone to make.
The reason why I am choosing this time to write this, is because I have just learned that he is going to have a procedure done on his heart in the next two weeks, and I am fearful of the outcome. No matter how he was with me, there is a part of me that will always love him, and the memories we built together. He taught me so much about love, and how and how not to treat someone I care deeply for. And while this is all happening, I am also beginning the second phase of my graduate program where I will be conducting mental health assessments and practicing therapy with children and families. As I begin this phase, I wonder if I am going to find some way to "screw" things up, as I have in so many relationships, and do harm? I feel I am a competent student counselor, but there is always the thought that I have never fit in, how can help other integrate in the same mainstream I have never felt a part of? I guess is the new lesson I have to learn on my journey.