The Drama, the Intrigue, and the PUMPKIN!

It was the typical kind of Saturday night out, if you're gay in Bakersfield. Long periods of boredom, followed by valiant attempts by you and your friends to cobble enough coins together to get out of town and head down to LA. Last night was no different for my friends and I. After much talk and hope that we could do a road trip down to our favorite watering hole in LA (Oil Can Harry's), we were left with the grim prospect of a night out in Bakersfield. You have to understand, a night out in Bakersfield is like getting your gums scraped, or feeling like you're in that movie "Small Town Gay Bar", only those people were having a good time. I have to say, my best friend Chris and I took it all in stride. We did the usual pre-going out gay guy ritual of slathering on after shave, cologne, and the latest fashion (by Bakersfield standards) and made our way to the bar. Almost immediately, we were taken back the sheer numbers of lesbians, homo thugs, and other unfortunate creatures hanging out in the parking lot and smoking the wacky tobacky.

There was a time when gay people really dressed to go out, and you felt welcomed when you met up with your "tribe" to have a good time. These poor individuals were just menacing, rag tag, and had no sense of community with Chris and I. We hastily made our way into the bar and were bombarded by a wave of human funk, heat (beacuse they never turn on the air conditioning), and the same repetitive, craptastic, booty song of the day. I was also being eyed by this guy I'd messed with a while ago and his train wreck boyfriend he'd failed to tell me about. As you can tell , this outing was going to be one for the record books. We'd taken our position at a nearby table against the wall, and watched and commented on the parade of freaks, losers, and other miscreants on full display. As these human disasters came and went by, I was taken with this one unfortunate, whose burnt white-gold tresses could not possibly occur in nature. As she drew closer, I almost immediately recognized the vacant look and irritating timbre to her voice. It was PUMPKIN! Yes, Pumpkin (I-Spit-On-New- York) from Flavor of Love, and she was in the gay bar with a gaggle of trifling third tier queens who believe themselves to be the A-List gays of Bakersfield. Chris and I looked on in awe as little Miss Hot Mess made herself at home in the bar and threw caution to the wind.

I know that she had every right to be at the bar, but still it was unnerving to see her at THIS bar, doing her thing. Besides, I thought she was supposed to be on "I Love Money" this season ?

I guess she must have lost and got sent packing (again). But why spend your Saturday night in a sad gay bar in po-dunk Bako?

All I am saying is next time, we're going to LA....