I'm Too Old For This !

I don't know if it just me, but I have waxing poetic aboout my life in recent months. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I will soon be turning 40 in the next weeks. For the most part I have never let a number, my waist size, or the way I looked ever bring me down or feel less about myself. And then 40 came!
I am feeling that some of the way I a feeling has to do with finding out that I been diagnosed with premature cataracts (at 30!) and some recent health issues I had earlier this year. This combined with my crazy sxhedule has forced me to realized that I am not infallible or unstoppable. I know that common wisdom tells us that this feeling of being invulnerable is supposed to be common and pass in adolescence, but I have also found this to be true amongst some of the gay men I have encountered Thi feeling that we can overcome time as well as other limitations.
I have had the distict pleasure this year to see that I am not impervious, and that I should not allow my pride to prevent me from accepting help from the people that care about me. For that, I thank you Chris, Tim, Paul, and yes even Juan for helping me to see this..There are some things that you can learn in graduate school, but there other things that you have to learn in life. I am an eager student for this lesson I had to learn.
I am not sure if this is my midlife crisis, or my trasnsition into older gay, but I feel as though there is a change that is taking place within me. I feel a great deal of trepidation, but I also realize that this is something we all (gay or straight) have to go through. I have a big patch of gray in my haor, my body is different, and my eyes don't respond the way they used to. But I am still here for the party, and whatever things I need to go through in this new year. I am in this body, and loo k forward to this new phase in my life..
Now I have gotten that part out of the way, let me tell you what I won't be doing:

1. Buying Abercrombie and Fitch to feel "hot"- They never have black people in most of their photos and most of their stuff is overpriced.

2, Chasing younger men just for youth's sake. - What will be able to talk about? I am all about Fame (the original movie) not thar new piece of crap!

3. Having elctive surgeries - I hate getting cut on accident,. Why would I do it on purpose...Please/

4. Spend outrageous amounts of money - I will have $30,000 in debt from grad school.. Already done!

5. Sleeping with people to feel better about myself - One of my cardinal rules when I first came out. I have never done it, and I pray I never will.

6. Letting go of my childhood sense of wonder - It one of the things I have held onto, and binds me to many of mymclosest friends. I think it is one of the things that will keep me fiesty until the end.

My mother once told me that: Everything will change around you. The only thing you can hold onto are your word and who you are>" This is what I take with me into the new year and beyond.

Strength, Courage, and Wisdom

What am I dong? It is coming to the last few months of grad school, I am just coming into the home stretch of my internship and I feeling like such a mess. Was all of the things I went through really worth it? These past 6 months have really forced me to take a hard look at what has been my motivation for change. I have really enjoyed the process of leaqrning more and more about myself, and becoming slf aware of the troubling patterms which have impacted my life. I've learned that I have a great capacity for compassion, and often following my heart has led me down paths I should have known better. Just this year alone I have faced; a debilitating illness. and terrifying health scare, betrayal at work, and a soul ctushing depression. And the one thing that I have always counted on was my own inner strength and resiliency, but most of this time it was not enough. I am just coming out of the nice end of the tunnel. and I am just starting to get my footing again. It just seems as though there are to many haters in my life right now. and I want to have my strength back to face them all. And now I am dealing with the fact that I recently found out that I have premature cataracts, and will be having introcular surgert on both eyes next months. Here's to better next year. and me coming out the better for it.

Who's Gonna Check Me, Boo?

Yes, I am back again...I cannot believe that it has been over seven months since I last put anything on here!! It is not as though there have been no adventures along the way!! Work drama, School drama, and my own medical emergencies this summer....I am about to embark on my last year of graduate school, and I am feeling a little somber, a little wiser, and a LOT older (as the silver streak in the middle hair reminds me!). But as things start to pick up speed, I am so nervous about what is going to happen next with school and all...On the work front: Work is Work..I have had my share of battles there, but even though I am under a lot of stress, I am not about to back down to ANYBODY that is trying to bring me down as I am making my way...After going through what I have went through this summer, I have learned so much more about myself that I ever could have from school. I am so glad that I had my friends to go through it with me..It is because of them that nobody can EVER check me....Thanks, Scoobies!

The Little Things

I know it has been a while since my last posting, but going to grad school and living your life really takes the wind out of your sails. For starters, trying to do two jobs at your office (Case Manager, and Therapist) is not something I would recommend to anyone. That, and reading several chapters a week, writing papers, and taking quizzes. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

But the one thing I have learned from all of this, is that I go through some much od this alone. I know I have support, and people that care about me, but when the push comes to shove, I have to take care of it on my own. I was watching Buffy (one one of my breaks, and it is the last episode on Season 2 when she has to face Angel by herself. He has her on her knees and he is boasting how he taken things away away from her and what could she do now? I am standing on that same precipice, having no job security, no idea how long I can keep running at this pace, and will I ever find the man I am supposed to be with. Things are coming me at me harder and faster than I ever thought possible....And I have to face them ...alone

My First Day Back at Work - How Dreadful

It never fails..You have a wonderful time of from work; enjoying the company of friends and seeing what the world has to offer. You take it all in and find the idea of daytime television and nights out with the friends more to your liking.. But then the fantasy ends, and you have to go back to work...THEN it hits you: I have all this work I need to catch up on, and the things you thought were done were not....This is what happened to me. I thought it was going to be smooth sailing..Boy, was I wrong!!! Well now the heat is on, and I am back on the treadmill.. There are certain co-workers you love to hate, and there is one in particular that I will definitely remember. The lambs have not stopped screaming, Clarice!!!
There's a tightrope, between me and you........

One Night In Bako

Trust you, one night in Bangkok has nothing on one night in Bako. Let me set the picture this: it was 42 degrees last night, and there were light columns of fog rolling in, and the Scooby Gang was trying to figure out how to spend this rather chilly Saturday evening. There was talk that there was a bar in Bakersfield that plays 80's music on Saturday, and the bar was gay-friendly. You put those two things together, and you know quite a few people would be there. The problem with this is, since it's Bakersfield, things are far less then advertised. Well we made our weary way and were pleased with some of the music being played. There were a few people there, and they were interesting to say the least. A shot, and a couple of Amaretto Sours later, I was in the moment. That was when things turned craptastic.. The freaky DJ started playing some steaming crap I didn't think was a good fit for the 80's and we were off. That was when we ended up at the gay bar in town: the Casablanca. Don't get me wrong, I love thumping beats as well as the next guy, but here it is all the same, and there was no variety. Just one of my many problems. I ended up dancing and waiting for the night to end, and it did. I thought to myself: "It was an ok night. I got to dance, and hang out with my gay mafia. " That was when our newest members suggested we go to a house party.
I am an old man, and have been to my share of house parties, both good, and mostly worse in this town. So I was not the most receptive to this idea. After getting turned around, the group made it to the house party. The people that were hosting were a cute couple, and the party was started..I am not usually a big drinker, but I threw all inhibitions to the wind and took full advantage of the party. It was so good to see my best friend laughing and being so much like his old self, and my other close friends having a good time as well. The party ended around 4 am, and I came away with a new appreciation for house parties, and the guys I am proud to call my friends...Viva Scooby Gang!

The Bald Faced Truth

Yes, I know it is supposed to be "Bold Faced", but this is more appropriate for my mood.
It is just about the last couple of days before I return to work and school. I went to my first class last night and felt a little better about things, and was amazed about the grades I earned last quarter. When I get in these kinds of moods, I just don want the momentum to slip away from me...I was getting some things done today when I decided to give my best friend Chris a call. He told me that he was going to get his hair cut. I decided then and there that it would be good for me to get a haircut as well. To see my hair close up, it has been big and bushy for some time. IN fact, it has been so bad my sisters have had jokes for me. Fredrick Douglas is one that comes to mind.
After some some soul searching, I walked in and asked for a haircut. 15 minutes and some shivering later, my hair is completely gone! I have never gotten my hair cut so short as an adult. So here I am 39, and bald....I am just writing off as one more transition. I have had funny looking fades, twists, and dreadlocks that were to my back. I know I am clean shaving. Just looking forward to see what happen next on my journey where my outward appearance is starting to echo my interior metamorphosis. Who knows?

A Simple Kind of Life

For the last three days, I have playing this song by No Doubt over and over again..It really applies to my life at the moment. I have always wanted a kid, a fantastic career, and a man I could truly call the love of my life. But the older I get, the more selfish and jaded I get. I look around the vast landscape, and see so many people who just let things happen to them or complain that things have been done to them. I have never thought I fit in either of those categories, but more and more I feel like everything is getting so complicated in my life. The first week of Winter Quarter began this week, and I am the most disorganized I have ever been and I am feeling so overwhelmed. And it's only the beginning. I have always been a control freak, but having no control over things is really sending me over. I am so glad I had a chance to take some time away from work to start putting things in perspective. I have no control over what happens to my ex, my job, or my friends, but I can try to make different for me....I will keep you posted.

I want to be invulnerable

There has been so much going on, that I haven't had to the time write. Or maybe it has been so much, I just didn't want to write it all down. Sometimes when you write things down, it takes on a life of its own. I just had my 39th birthday, and I have been looking over the course of my life. I am single (again), and looking a dating pool that consists of immature men in their 20's who have an overwhelming sense of entitlements, and older men in their 30's and up, who want physical perfection and have nothing between their ears to offer in the ways of romance. It just seems as though nobody is interested in courtship at this point in time.
Don't get me wrong; I LOVE to get down and dirty as the next guy, (and believe you me, I HAVE!) But there is nothing there to make me believe that I can have something that I could call a relationship. And I should be used to that. It is hard to date in Bakersfield, but it is harder when you're a black gay man. Here are the frequent comments you hear: " (1)I like you a lot, but my family would freak if I were dating a black guy. (2) I just wanted to see what it was like to be with a black. you know what they say." I am really selling this town, right?
On the other front, I am still dealing with stuff from my ex. He had to be hospitalized Saturday night, and is back in the ICU. He is asking for me, and wanting me to come up there. Once, there would have been a time I would have run up there without asking, and know I am questioning the whole thing. I got into a negative exchange with his neighbor about not coming, but she does not know the whole story, or even the fact that he and I were even a couple. I ended the relationship because I could not believe in someone that could not believe in me. And now, he wanting me to go back into situation and using his condition to make me feel guilty.
I just wish things would get easier, and now I am even starting to doubt if I am capable of becoming a real therapist since I am having dealing with all these issues. There will tons more as progress in my studies. I just wish I was little stronger, or invulnerable even.
Regardless, I have to keep going....