Panic! On the Dancefloor...Sigh

Keeping true to my vow, some the Scooby Gang made our merry way down to LA to one of our favorite spots: Oil Can Harrys. Ususally, our road trip adventures come off without a hitch, but this one had drama upon drama almost from the beginning. Who was coming, who was not coming, and who was NOT INVITED seemed to be major obstacles to it all. But once the seating arrrangements were taken care of, the three amigos were well on our way to the Honey Comb Hideout. Special thanks to Mr. Chris for bringing his Ipod along to keep the mood light but thoughtful. And another special thanks to Paul, for keeping the attention off of you know who. Let me be the first that I LOVE the drive up to LA, but I hate the drive back, but I will go into the details about that later.
We made it to Oil Can Harrys in good time, and had a blast taking in all the early birds and other sights of the bar before things got crazy. I was reluctant at first to wear the "HE LOVES THE COCK" t shirt (for fear of messing up before next week), but was thankful to Chris for talking me into trying them out.
We were the hit of the bar; we had people coming up to us the whole time asking about them and commenting on them. I was glad for one, because for the first time in a long time , it was good to see Chris truly happy and comfortable in his own skin. We definitely enjoyed ourselves and just being together, and there was no mention of the infamous Quilter. Just when things could not get any better, in walks Jesse from Bravo's Workout reality series. I spotted him right off the bat, but it was Chris that had the gumption to ask him to take pictures with us (as shown, Anya!).
I just did not want the night to end, but it had to.....The drive home was nice, and the conversation was amazing. But I have to admit, I have not completely got the hang of driving an SUV, and I am sure that made for some uncomfortable moments for both Chris and Paul. In the end, we all made it all home safe and sound and I could not have asked for a better group of guys to spend the night with (at least, with our clothes on..). Somethings do not last forever, but HELLFIRE does!!!

My Journey

All my life, I always have felt like I never fit in. Whether it be at home, school, and out in the world, there was always somebody who let me know that I had no right to be where I was. This set me on this crazy adventure where I thought if I was just as smart (or smarter) and or as fun, people who would like me better...I have earned quite a few awards, honors, and other types of recognition, but it never took away the feeling that I didn't "measure up". It took the better part of 19 years to come to the realization that I was gay. For me, it made of lot of things make sense for me which constantly nagged at me; the love for the Carpenters' music, sewing, women's melodramas.
Even while I was embracing this new identity, I continued to feel "outside", while I was making my way. I am not sure about the rest of you, but during this period, I had this vision in my head that if I gave the guy everything he wanted, he would something of what I needed. This led to a succession of guys whom loved me a lot less than I loved them, and I suffered as a result. Fast forward to eight years ago, I met the man whom I will call Cowboy. I was taken by surprise with this one, because he fit none of the descriptions of the fantasy men I thought I was "fated" to be with , he seemed to love me as much or more as I loved him, and the romance was on. Things went blissfully along for a number of years. But as time went on, I began to see things as they were, and not as I wanted them to be. In the end, I could not stay with a man who could not love himself in all of his complexities. He would and could never to terms with who he is, and the stress and strain of this conflict tore at the very foundation of the relationship, and I thought it better to end it, rather than coming to resent him for a choice that is for him alone to make.
The reason why I am choosing this time to write this, is because I have just learned that he is going to have a procedure done on his heart in the next two weeks, and I am fearful of the outcome. No matter how he was with me, there is a part of me that will always love him, and the memories we built together. He taught me so much about love, and how and how not to treat someone I care deeply for. And while this is all happening, I am also beginning the second phase of my graduate program where I will be conducting mental health assessments and practicing therapy with children and families. As I begin this phase, I wonder if I am going to find some way to "screw" things up, as I have in so many relationships, and do harm? I feel I am a competent student counselor, but there is always the thought that I have never fit in, how can help other integrate in the same mainstream I have never felt a part of? I guess is the new lesson I have to learn on my journey.

It's Just, A little Crush....

After hearing about the old school crushes of some friends of mine (i.e. Vicktor and Chris) , I thought it only proper that I volunteer my own. There was not at Tuesday night that went by in the mid to late 70's that I was not glued to my set watching the ABC comedy line-up. Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, and my favorite : Three's Company.

I was not able to put a name to it then, but stomach always got a little tight when my eyes fell on the form of John Ritter aka "Jack Tripper". That winsome smile, his quirky sense of humor, and that hot patch of fur on his chest was my first pre-teen gay Happy Meal.

Soon, other men came to take his place; Lou Ferrigno (Incredible Hulk) that guy from the live-action Spider-man series, and Bo and Luke Duke from Dukes of Hazzard (the real show, not that crappy movie). I kissed many men afterwards, but this one was my first introduction to unbridled man on man attraction....Memories, like the corners of my mind.......

The Drama, the Intrigue, and the PUMPKIN!

It was the typical kind of Saturday night out, if you're gay in Bakersfield. Long periods of boredom, followed by valiant attempts by you and your friends to cobble enough coins together to get out of town and head down to LA. Last night was no different for my friends and I. After much talk and hope that we could do a road trip down to our favorite watering hole in LA (Oil Can Harry's), we were left with the grim prospect of a night out in Bakersfield. You have to understand, a night out in Bakersfield is like getting your gums scraped, or feeling like you're in that movie "Small Town Gay Bar", only those people were having a good time. I have to say, my best friend Chris and I took it all in stride. We did the usual pre-going out gay guy ritual of slathering on after shave, cologne, and the latest fashion (by Bakersfield standards) and made our way to the bar. Almost immediately, we were taken back the sheer numbers of lesbians, homo thugs, and other unfortunate creatures hanging out in the parking lot and smoking the wacky tobacky.

There was a time when gay people really dressed to go out, and you felt welcomed when you met up with your "tribe" to have a good time. These poor individuals were just menacing, rag tag, and had no sense of community with Chris and I. We hastily made our way into the bar and were bombarded by a wave of human funk, heat (beacuse they never turn on the air conditioning), and the same repetitive, craptastic, booty song of the day. I was also being eyed by this guy I'd messed with a while ago and his train wreck boyfriend he'd failed to tell me about. As you can tell , this outing was going to be one for the record books. We'd taken our position at a nearby table against the wall, and watched and commented on the parade of freaks, losers, and other miscreants on full display. As these human disasters came and went by, I was taken with this one unfortunate, whose burnt white-gold tresses could not possibly occur in nature. As she drew closer, I almost immediately recognized the vacant look and irritating timbre to her voice. It was PUMPKIN! Yes, Pumpkin (I-Spit-On-New- York) from Flavor of Love, and she was in the gay bar with a gaggle of trifling third tier queens who believe themselves to be the A-List gays of Bakersfield. Chris and I looked on in awe as little Miss Hot Mess made herself at home in the bar and threw caution to the wind.

I know that she had every right to be at the bar, but still it was unnerving to see her at THIS bar, doing her thing. Besides, I thought she was supposed to be on "I Love Money" this season ?

I guess she must have lost and got sent packing (again). But why spend your Saturday night in a sad gay bar in po-dunk Bako?

All I am saying is next time, we're going to LA....

The Things You Get with Blue Chip Stamps

I don't know about the rest of you, but I was all about Misty Knight from the old Power Man and Iron Fist back in the day. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS love Chris Claremont's X-Men and the usual fanboy faves. But for a little black kid growing up, I was hungry for any positive representations of black people. These stories really spoke to me, and gave me something to look forward to. This has been something I have forgotten in recent weeks...
This summer has been one of the worst summers on record for me. Going a gruelling quarter of grad school, ex-boyfriend drama, and seeing someone I care for deeply go through one of the most trying periods of his life, really shook me to my core. While it seemed as though me and the people I loved were taking hits from all sides, I lost sight of the lesson I learned from one Misty Knight.
Life is not fair to anyone. Not to my friends, my family, or to me...We loose many things on the journey we call Life. A lover, a friend, sanity, even our right arm (like Misty's). But the challenge for us as people is come back stronger than we were before, and never lose sight of the qualities and the connections to give meanings our lives. That truth became evident to me when I saw what my dearest friend went through. I have a new found respect for him, and I think our friendship (I feel) has truly deepened.
The new quarter just started this week, and I am well ready for whatever life has to throw at me. Just like Misty Knight. My grandmother used to always talk about "the things you can buy with blue chip stamps" . She never lied.

Forty Questions? OMFG!

Let me be the first to say..I've been quite a trainwreck (but not quite Britney) for the summer, but finally the awful summer quarter of school has come to an end, and things are starting to settle down for me. The ex-boyfriend situation is a source and friction for me (details of which I will detail in a later blog - HONEST!) and I am about to start on a new juncture of my life. Well anywho.... I was tagged by my one of my good friends, Paul over at Projektr3volution, to divulge the following (read as: embarrassing) information.

1. Bleu Cheese? Yes. It's kind of like my men: a tangy flavor that goes down smoothly.

2. Have you ever smoked? Never ! I know I am gay and all, but please...I would put something that small in my mouth to take a puff on...Sorry

3. Do you own a gun? Nope, but I want one for my birthday some day.

4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite? Cherry or the Red one (as it is called at home)

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? A little bit. The only ones I was was staring at my cupcaks and the twig and berries are my potential "prey".

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Which ones? I am fixated on some more than others.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Tie: "Christmas Story" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" - Both remind me of me of my family (only with white people in the situations).

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? A big hulking glass of Mountain Dew over crushed ice.. Coffee sucks

9. Can you do push ups? Yes, I do them to get me prepared for other strenous activities and positions I get into...

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My pendant that is in the shape of a razor blade...just my thing

11. Favorite hobby? Comic Books and Queer Cinema...I am a rabid mess about both of these.

12. Do you have A.D.D.? According to my family and coworkers I have ADHD...And you can't hold me down long enough to medicate me ....BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts? Glasses...but only while reading and/or using the computer.. Hated glasses all my life. My friends and family will tell you how careless I am with them.

14. Middle names? Alex Jason the Third

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? tired, work, getting my malpractice insurance

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Mountain Dew, Lemonade (and lots of it) , Dr. Pepper.

17. Current worry? School (Major) & Weight Issues (every once in a while)

18. Current hate right now? Some sow at work not doing her fair share.....

19. Favorite place to be? Any adventure with the Scooby Gang or my crazy solo antics

20. How did you bring in the New Year? With the Scooby Gang having good times.

21. Where would you like to go? Melbourne, Australia (for this hot guy I know) London, England, and South Africa

22. Name three people who will complete this? my friend's The other Alex,....also Victor.

23. Do you own slippers? Yes, I am a homosexual...

24. What shirt are you wearing? Fun X-men t shirt

25. Where will you be spending Christmas? With family

26. Can you whistle? yes, but not very well

27. Favorite color? Blue and red

28. Would you be a pirate? a butt pirate. I have plundered many a hot booty. Ahoy

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Got to Be Real, Queen of the Night, I am Changing

30. Favorite Girl’s Name? Esmerelda

31. Favorite Boy’s name? Bocephus

32. What’s in your pocket right now? A Lion and he's ready to roar

33. Last thing that made you laugh? My evil sister eating it when she dove for a ball during volleyball game.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Jaked my left ankle up during a PE game in high school..Hurts when it gets cold

36. Do you love where you live? I used to, but all these Johnny come latelies have moved out here....sigh

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? One in the living room and in the other rooma so I guess that makes 4.

38. Name 3 other words for penis: joy stick, meat sword, pogo.

39. Name 3 other words for vagina: fish grotto, vagina dentata, the nether region.

40. Name 3 other words for Tits: fub bags, gozongas, dirty boulders