Strength, Courage, and Wisdom

What am I dong? It is coming to the last few months of grad school, I am just coming into the home stretch of my internship and I feeling like such a mess. Was all of the things I went through really worth it? These past 6 months have really forced me to take a hard look at what has been my motivation for change. I have really enjoyed the process of leaqrning more and more about myself, and becoming slf aware of the troubling patterms which have impacted my life. I've learned that I have a great capacity for compassion, and often following my heart has led me down paths I should have known better. Just this year alone I have faced; a debilitating illness. and terrifying health scare, betrayal at work, and a soul ctushing depression. And the one thing that I have always counted on was my own inner strength and resiliency, but most of this time it was not enough. I am just coming out of the nice end of the tunnel. and I am just starting to get my footing again. It just seems as though there are to many haters in my life right now. and I want to have my strength back to face them all. And now I am dealing with the fact that I recently found out that I have premature cataracts, and will be having introcular surgert on both eyes next months. Here's to better next year. and me coming out the better for it.

Who's Gonna Check Me, Boo?

Yes, I am back again...I cannot believe that it has been over seven months since I last put anything on here!! It is not as though there have been no adventures along the way!! Work drama, School drama, and my own medical emergencies this summer....I am about to embark on my last year of graduate school, and I am feeling a little somber, a little wiser, and a LOT older (as the silver streak in the middle hair reminds me!). But as things start to pick up speed, I am so nervous about what is going to happen next with school and all...On the work front: Work is Work..I have had my share of battles there, but even though I am under a lot of stress, I am not about to back down to ANYBODY that is trying to bring me down as I am making my way...After going through what I have went through this summer, I have learned so much more about myself that I ever could have from school. I am so glad that I had my friends to go through it with me..It is because of them that nobody can EVER check me....Thanks, Scoobies!

The Little Things

I know it has been a while since my last posting, but going to grad school and living your life really takes the wind out of your sails. For starters, trying to do two jobs at your office (Case Manager, and Therapist) is not something I would recommend to anyone. That, and reading several chapters a week, writing papers, and taking quizzes. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

But the one thing I have learned from all of this, is that I go through some much od this alone. I know I have support, and people that care about me, but when the push comes to shove, I have to take care of it on my own. I was watching Buffy (one one of my breaks, and it is the last episode on Season 2 when she has to face Angel by herself. He has her on her knees and he is boasting how he taken things away away from her and what could she do now? I am standing on that same precipice, having no job security, no idea how long I can keep running at this pace, and will I ever find the man I am supposed to be with. Things are coming me at me harder and faster than I ever thought possible....And I have to face them ...alone

My First Day Back at Work - How Dreadful

It never fails..You have a wonderful time of from work; enjoying the company of friends and seeing what the world has to offer. You take it all in and find the idea of daytime television and nights out with the friends more to your liking.. But then the fantasy ends, and you have to go back to work...THEN it hits you: I have all this work I need to catch up on, and the things you thought were done were not....This is what happened to me. I thought it was going to be smooth sailing..Boy, was I wrong!!! Well now the heat is on, and I am back on the treadmill.. There are certain co-workers you love to hate, and there is one in particular that I will definitely remember. The lambs have not stopped screaming, Clarice!!!
There's a tightrope, between me and you........

One Night In Bako

Trust you, one night in Bangkok has nothing on one night in Bako. Let me set the picture this: it was 42 degrees last night, and there were light columns of fog rolling in, and the Scooby Gang was trying to figure out how to spend this rather chilly Saturday evening. There was talk that there was a bar in Bakersfield that plays 80's music on Saturday, and the bar was gay-friendly. You put those two things together, and you know quite a few people would be there. The problem with this is, since it's Bakersfield, things are far less then advertised. Well we made our weary way and were pleased with some of the music being played. There were a few people there, and they were interesting to say the least. A shot, and a couple of Amaretto Sours later, I was in the moment. That was when things turned craptastic.. The freaky DJ started playing some steaming crap I didn't think was a good fit for the 80's and we were off. That was when we ended up at the gay bar in town: the Casablanca. Don't get me wrong, I love thumping beats as well as the next guy, but here it is all the same, and there was no variety. Just one of my many problems. I ended up dancing and waiting for the night to end, and it did. I thought to myself: "It was an ok night. I got to dance, and hang out with my gay mafia. " That was when our newest members suggested we go to a house party.
I am an old man, and have been to my share of house parties, both good, and mostly worse in this town. So I was not the most receptive to this idea. After getting turned around, the group made it to the house party. The people that were hosting were a cute couple, and the party was started..I am not usually a big drinker, but I threw all inhibitions to the wind and took full advantage of the party. It was so good to see my best friend laughing and being so much like his old self, and my other close friends having a good time as well. The party ended around 4 am, and I came away with a new appreciation for house parties, and the guys I am proud to call my friends...Viva Scooby Gang!