I want to be invulnerable

There has been so much going on, that I haven't had to the time write. Or maybe it has been so much, I just didn't want to write it all down. Sometimes when you write things down, it takes on a life of its own. I just had my 39th birthday, and I have been looking over the course of my life. I am single (again), and looking a dating pool that consists of immature men in their 20's who have an overwhelming sense of entitlements, and older men in their 30's and up, who want physical perfection and have nothing between their ears to offer in the ways of romance. It just seems as though nobody is interested in courtship at this point in time.
Don't get me wrong; I LOVE to get down and dirty as the next guy, (and believe you me, I HAVE!) But there is nothing there to make me believe that I can have something that I could call a relationship. And I should be used to that. It is hard to date in Bakersfield, but it is harder when you're a black gay man. Here are the frequent comments you hear: " (1)I like you a lot, but my family would freak if I were dating a black guy. (2) I just wanted to see what it was like to be with a black. you know what they say." I am really selling this town, right?
On the other front, I am still dealing with stuff from my ex. He had to be hospitalized Saturday night, and is back in the ICU. He is asking for me, and wanting me to come up there. Once, there would have been a time I would have run up there without asking, and know I am questioning the whole thing. I got into a negative exchange with his neighbor about not coming, but she does not know the whole story, or even the fact that he and I were even a couple. I ended the relationship because I could not believe in someone that could not believe in me. And now, he wanting me to go back into situation and using his condition to make me feel guilty.
I just wish things would get easier, and now I am even starting to doubt if I am capable of becoming a real therapist since I am having dealing with all these issues. There will tons more as progress in my studies. I just wish I was little stronger, or invulnerable even.
Regardless, I have to keep going....

I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda

I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post (read: confession). I have experienced some dizzying highs and spiraling lows both personally and second hand during my little break.
I can honestly say that my friends are truly amzing, and that my life would be a lot less interesting and meaningful without them in it. These last few weeks, I have seen one of my friends take on one of the hardest challenges in his life, and allowed me and others to see a side, very few of us share with others. Thank you for trusting honest to to bear witness...

Another friend has been going through a rough patch dealing with someone he is sharing he is sharing his living space with, and he is handling it with a calm sense of graciousness I only wish I could possess if I was in the same situation.
And finally my third friend. I have seen him go from a gentle soul to a tiger.....I hope the days ahead bring him the peacefulness I have always envied in him.
These days I feel as though I am being pulled in several directions and trying to claw my way up for air. It seems that at this time, we all being challenged in different ways..

Here's to hoping that we all come out of it stronger for the strife.

My Journey

All my life, I always have felt like I never fit in. Whether it be at home, school, and out in the world, there was always somebody who let me know that I had no right to be where I was. This set me on this crazy adventure where I thought if I was just as smart (or smarter) and or as fun, people who would like me better...I have earned quite a few awards, honors, and other types of recognition, but it never took away the feeling that I didn't "measure up". It took the better part of 19 years to come to the realization that I was gay. For me, it made of lot of things make sense for me which constantly nagged at me; the love for the Carpenters' music, sewing, women's melodramas.
Even while I was embracing this new identity, I continued to feel "outside", while I was making my way. I am not sure about the rest of you, but during this period, I had this vision in my head that if I gave the guy everything he wanted, he would something of what I needed. This led to a succession of guys whom loved me a lot less than I loved them, and I suffered as a result. Fast forward to eight years ago, I met the man whom I will call Cowboy. I was taken by surprise with this one, because he fit none of the descriptions of the fantasy men I thought I was "fated" to be with , he seemed to love me as much or more as I loved him, and the romance was on. Things went blissfully along for a number of years. But as time went on, I began to see things as they were, and not as I wanted them to be. In the end, I could not stay with a man who could not love himself in all of his complexities. He would and could never to terms with who he is, and the stress and strain of this conflict tore at the very foundation of the relationship, and I thought it better to end it, rather than coming to resent him for a choice that is for him alone to make.
The reason why I am choosing this time to write this, is because I have just learned that he is going to have a procedure done on his heart in the next two weeks, and I am fearful of the outcome. No matter how he was with me, there is a part of me that will always love him, and the memories we built together. He taught me so much about love, and how and how not to treat someone I care deeply for. And while this is all happening, I am also beginning the second phase of my graduate program where I will be conducting mental health assessments and practicing therapy with children and families. As I begin this phase, I wonder if I am going to find some way to "screw" things up, as I have in so many relationships, and do harm? I feel I am a competent student counselor, but there is always the thought that I have never fit in, how can help other integrate in the same mainstream I have never felt a part of? I guess is the new lesson I have to learn on my journey.

The Things You Get with Blue Chip Stamps

I don't know about the rest of you, but I was all about Misty Knight from the old Power Man and Iron Fist back in the day. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS love Chris Claremont's X-Men and the usual fanboy faves. But for a little black kid growing up, I was hungry for any positive representations of black people. These stories really spoke to me, and gave me something to look forward to. This has been something I have forgotten in recent weeks...
This summer has been one of the worst summers on record for me. Going a gruelling quarter of grad school, ex-boyfriend drama, and seeing someone I care for deeply go through one of the most trying periods of his life, really shook me to my core. While it seemed as though me and the people I loved were taking hits from all sides, I lost sight of the lesson I learned from one Misty Knight.
Life is not fair to anyone. Not to my friends, my family, or to me...We loose many things on the journey we call Life. A lover, a friend, sanity, even our right arm (like Misty's). But the challenge for us as people is come back stronger than we were before, and never lose sight of the qualities and the connections to give meanings our lives. That truth became evident to me when I saw what my dearest friend went through. I have a new found respect for him, and I think our friendship (I feel) has truly deepened.
The new quarter just started this week, and I am well ready for whatever life has to throw at me. Just like Misty Knight. My grandmother used to always talk about "the things you can buy with blue chip stamps" . She never lied.

A Super Sunday Screed!

What am I doing to myself ?!! I had a good six days off from work, and I went to Comi-Con with the BFF and kid brother. You would think I would be on top of the world, right? Right? Well, I sitting here, typing away in the cool of the night trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. After getting back from the Con (which was ok). I went out on a date with this hot guy I talk to from time to time, but know in my heart it is not going to go anywhere. The reason why I know it is not going to go anywhere is because his VISA is up in two years, and he will be moving back to Australia. I had a great time with him at dinner and afterwards, but I could tell I was not feeling so hot. Unfortunately I had to cut the date short, and make a bee line for the homestead.

Once I got home, I had some of the most excruciating, explosive, expulsions witness in human history. I finally got to separate from the porcelain receptacle and get some sleep. I woke up saturday afternoon feeling like a wet food stamp (worthless) and no energy. As much I was I wanted to go out on the town (or bettter yet, out of town) and make some Misfit mischief, the body did not want to cooperate. As much as I hate to admit it, I felt every bit the man in late 30's I try to rebel against. I finally started to feel better today, and a good thing too because I had to take a quiz for my grad seminar. And then to top it off I get a call from the ex telling me that he is doing better and wanting to see me. I had to let him know that he wouldn't like me if he saw me like this, but he kept going on about how much he wished things were different, and how he thinks of me often.

When I got off the phone with him, I felt almost as bad as the day before. A part of me will always love the ex, and want the best for him. But then there is the other side that could never fall completely in love with him again, because he can never come to terms with his sexuality enough to put me and what we had first. His family, his business associates, and his friends will always be fed some line about the nature of our "friendship", and who he is. I am too old to inhabit somebody else's closet. But then I wonder does that make me an awful person?

And then I wonder if I am doing the right thing with the whole grad school mess. All my life I have been an overachiever. Now I am freaking out at the prospect of getting a "b" in class.

Maybe it's just my fever induced delirium or the medications to treat the symptoms, but I really need to take the reins again.....

Mischief, I'm Making Mischief, Making Mischief!

There is something to be something to be said for revenge... I know there are many of you out there who will probably say: "There is never just cause for revenge" or "you should leave things alone and move on." While I can empathize with these statements sometimes, I honestly have to admit that is not usually how I roll. This past weekend proved without a doubt that if "revenge is a dish best served cold", I will take mine with a side of cherry cheesecake...



The festivities started off quietly enough with me having yet another excruciating day at work, and the only thing saving me was that I was leaving work early (as I do on most Fridays). Just as I was about to to go over the walls, who should accost me? This closet case blow hard(he he he "blow hard) I can't stand (and who hates me in equal measure) with some delicious bit of gossip he wanted to impart to me. As anyone who knows me might guess, I was distrustful of this gesture, as previous exchanges between us have always had some edge to them. I will elaborate on this on a future post, but needless to say he shared that the horrible hag I told you about earlier was getting her just deserts. I was taken aback by all of this, as previously my frienemy received valuable information that I had on him from this rotten turncoat, and here he was trying to bond with me in our mutual dislike of this traitorous witch. Turns out, she will be having to work for her supper this summer in the most degrading of fashions, and I didn't have to lift a finger to exact my revenge. Thank you, Karma.



I was so inspired by this, that I had to give back to the universe, and help a dear friend of mine get a little taste of vengeance himself......I will not go into details, but I hope that my covert action stratagem gives my friend a little more comfort, and removes all doubt that 90's Alex is DEAD AND BURIED!!! After I completed my mission, I could not help but look back at how my favorite X-man Storm had evolved. I also see myself in transition, and now realize I can never be the "Alex" I was, or pretended to be. While it is scary sometimes, there is a a part of me that welcomes it.....

My $20,000.00 Pyramid

Question: Overbooked homework assignments, irritating co-workers, and missed opportunities... Answer: Things that made my weekend craptacular.

Just when I thought things were going to go my way, there is always something that comes along to mess things up....

I had such high hopes for this weekend. I thought I would have enough time to get all the hard stuff out of the way, and then I could get down to the good stuff. This sadly was not to be..

All my assignments just seemed to bombard me all at once. Although I was able to get somethings accomplished, there is still so much to do. That is what I get for trying to be edumicated. Still annoyed by some small minded people who have an issue with me not going along with the okey-doke and sitting in the back of the bus.. It just amazes me how some people are willing to sell people out so they can feel "comfortable". The only thing that kept through this trying weekend were my friends. Chris, Paul, and John: thanks so much for putting up with my neurotic butt on Friday, and wish I was awake to go out and do something fun this Saturday.. I have just been running on empty, and I wish I had enough sense to let you hear all about it. But you guys have enough going on in your lives right now for me to dump on you...I am just glad there are just three more weeks in this quarter.. I cannot believe I have survived my first year of graduate school in the Social Work Program.. The beast therapy I had this weekend was when I went up to DJ at an unknown location here in Bakersfield, and got him to play one of my favorite jams at the moment. Dancing like a fool with my friends made this weekend bearable. You guys will never fully understand how much you mean to me.. Thank you for letting me be me, warts and all...