Back for more

It has been well over 3 years since my last posting. Imagine that! For a minute, I had some serious misgivings about being so personal and so open about the things going on in my life.. But after reading some of my old posts about what was going on at the time really put things in perspective for me. It was quite an eye opener to see where I  was from where I am now.. All I can say is that I am glad to be in a  much happier place and where I want to be. Thank goodness for patience and self exploration!

Too Black To Be A Sex Partner?

Just when you think you have heard every indignity and offensive comment that can be heaped upon you, life finds a way to give you one more shot to stomach...My best friend and I went out a couple of weeks ago to a straight bar, where an 80's cover band was playing. If you have been following best friend Chris' blog as well as mine, you know full well that we are rabid fans of almost anything 80's, and this night was no different. The air was alive with the sounds of " Jenny 867-5309', "Just Like Heaven", and the like...In short, it was one of those magical nights in Bakersfield where you are having a fantastic time, in spite of the location and the people around you. The only thing that really threw the night off were that the notorious Q.U.I.L.T.E.R., and his douchebag/new boyfriend Mr. Potato Head were in attendance, and attempting to make my BFF feel bad.
I have to give credit to my best friend. He was able to completely ignore the "floor show" being done for his benefit, and enjoy himself. Well the night was a total bust for Potato Head and he was not happy. But at the same time, he could not openly go after my BFF. So this was his new ploy.
As we were outside the club cooling ourselves off (as most clubs in Bakersfield are too cheap to pay for air conditioning), Potato Head shared with us that he was not into "dark meat", and only wants "white meat". I fired off a humorous comeback, and left it at that..
After this had happened, I had to wonder: "what was this all about?" I expect many of these comments from some white gay men in this area, but now here I am hearing this from a Latin Men as well....

When did it become ok to make these kinds of comments to black gay men? I find it so hypocritical for so many gay men to talk about equal rights for gay people, and be bigoted towards gay people of color.. Amazing! And here I am hearing this from another gay man of color..Unbelievable!

Goonies Never Say Die!

One of the earliest things I learned as a child of the 70's growing up in the 80's was that I was never going to be one of the "popular kids". You know; the ones that have all the attention lavished on them, and have all the other kids wanting to be like them and/or be their friends. I learned very quickly on from them that I would never be accepted by them, and would always have to be on guard when they were in my area.
Through all of this, I worked hard to create a place where I could be accepted, and surrounded myself with people who could truly love me for me, and support me in my journey through life. I also made a promise to myself during those rough times that I would be smarter, happier, and more comfortable than any of the "A-Listers" that made my growing up so challenging. And for the most part, I succeeded. Thank goodness for comic books, horror movies, music, and my small band of misfit friends at the time that made so much of that painful time so bearable.
Fast forward to now: I am still struggling to get myself back on track, finish grad school, and be the man I need to be for my family and friends. What I have come to realize, is that gay world and the world in general, are very much like my childhood. There are all sorts of messages out there that tell us that we do not belong, or that we will never be "good enough".
I think that the tasks falls to all of us who never "fit in" to find the people and things that reaffirm who you are, and replenish your strength and resolve to be the best person you can be.. I think that is the message I read into the Goonies, and think that is the message my friends and I put out when we come together.
Thank you my friends, for putting up with my drama, shortcomings, and for my triumphs as well...

I Can (Almost) See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone

Things have really been looking (pun) up since I had my eye surgery. I can see (at least) out of one eye, and am scheduled to have the other one done the first of February. I never had any idea how much my sight meant to me...I was off for three weeks, from grad school, work, and my internship, because I was unable to drive, read and write documents, do all the things I was required to do.

Having all this time to think about things really forced me to look at things in my life, and try to make changes. For starters, I am learning that I am a good person at my core, and sometimes I need to believe that I have all the tools I need to be the person I need to be. For the longest time, I have been carrying around all this drama about my failed relationship, not graduating at the time I wanted to, and not feeling that I was "good enough" to love me the way I needed to be loved. I am so used to owning all the bad stuff in my life, that I often fail to "see" all the good things come in. So as a result, I feel buried in the rubble that is my life. So now I trying to walk a different path.

I have begun the task of simplifying my life, and taking on things that I really feel passionate about. I have also made a promise to myself to love the people that care about me REALLY hard, and let go of all the hurt of pain I have been holding onto, because over time it becomes what your life is all about.

I am gearing up complete the final leg of my graduate school adventure, and am looking forward to what my future holds.

I'm Too Old For This !

I don't know if it just me, but I have waxing poetic aboout my life in recent months. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I will soon be turning 40 in the next weeks. For the most part I have never let a number, my waist size, or the way I looked ever bring me down or feel less about myself. And then 40 came!
I am feeling that some of the way I a feeling has to do with finding out that I been diagnosed with premature cataracts (at 30!) and some recent health issues I had earlier this year. This combined with my crazy sxhedule has forced me to realized that I am not infallible or unstoppable. I know that common wisdom tells us that this feeling of being invulnerable is supposed to be common and pass in adolescence, but I have also found this to be true amongst some of the gay men I have encountered Thi feeling that we can overcome time as well as other limitations.
I have had the distict pleasure this year to see that I am not impervious, and that I should not allow my pride to prevent me from accepting help from the people that care about me. For that, I thank you Chris, Tim, Paul, and yes even Juan for helping me to see this..There are some things that you can learn in graduate school, but there other things that you have to learn in life. I am an eager student for this lesson I had to learn.
I am not sure if this is my midlife crisis, or my trasnsition into older gay, but I feel as though there is a change that is taking place within me. I feel a great deal of trepidation, but I also realize that this is something we all (gay or straight) have to go through. I have a big patch of gray in my haor, my body is different, and my eyes don't respond the way they used to. But I am still here for the party, and whatever things I need to go through in this new year. I am in this body, and loo k forward to this new phase in my life..
Now I have gotten that part out of the way, let me tell you what I won't be doing:

1. Buying Abercrombie and Fitch to feel "hot"- They never have black people in most of their photos and most of their stuff is overpriced.

2, Chasing younger men just for youth's sake. - What will be able to talk about? I am all about Fame (the original movie) not thar new piece of crap!

3. Having elctive surgeries - I hate getting cut on accident,. Why would I do it on purpose...Please/

4. Spend outrageous amounts of money - I will have $30,000 in debt from grad school.. Already done!

5. Sleeping with people to feel better about myself - One of my cardinal rules when I first came out. I have never done it, and I pray I never will.

6. Letting go of my childhood sense of wonder - It one of the things I have held onto, and binds me to many of mymclosest friends. I think it is one of the things that will keep me fiesty until the end.

My mother once told me that: Everything will change around you. The only thing you can hold onto are your word and who you are>" This is what I take with me into the new year and beyond.

Strength, Courage, and Wisdom

What am I dong? It is coming to the last few months of grad school, I am just coming into the home stretch of my internship and I feeling like such a mess. Was all of the things I went through really worth it? These past 6 months have really forced me to take a hard look at what has been my motivation for change. I have really enjoyed the process of leaqrning more and more about myself, and becoming slf aware of the troubling patterms which have impacted my life. I've learned that I have a great capacity for compassion, and often following my heart has led me down paths I should have known better. Just this year alone I have faced; a debilitating illness. and terrifying health scare, betrayal at work, and a soul ctushing depression. And the one thing that I have always counted on was my own inner strength and resiliency, but most of this time it was not enough. I am just coming out of the nice end of the tunnel. and I am just starting to get my footing again. It just seems as though there are to many haters in my life right now. and I want to have my strength back to face them all. And now I am dealing with the fact that I recently found out that I have premature cataracts, and will be having introcular surgert on both eyes next months. Here's to better next year. and me coming out the better for it.

Who's Gonna Check Me, Boo?

Yes, I am back again...I cannot believe that it has been over seven months since I last put anything on here!! It is not as though there have been no adventures along the way!! Work drama, School drama, and my own medical emergencies this summer....I am about to embark on my last year of graduate school, and I am feeling a little somber, a little wiser, and a LOT older (as the silver streak in the middle hair reminds me!). But as things start to pick up speed, I am so nervous about what is going to happen next with school and all...On the work front: Work is Work..I have had my share of battles there, but even though I am under a lot of stress, I am not about to back down to ANYBODY that is trying to bring me down as I am making my way...After going through what I have went through this summer, I have learned so much more about myself that I ever could have from school. I am so glad that I had my friends to go through it with me..It is because of them that nobody can EVER check me....Thanks, Scoobies!

The Little Things

I know it has been a while since my last posting, but going to grad school and living your life really takes the wind out of your sails. For starters, trying to do two jobs at your office (Case Manager, and Therapist) is not something I would recommend to anyone. That, and reading several chapters a week, writing papers, and taking quizzes. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

But the one thing I have learned from all of this, is that I go through some much od this alone. I know I have support, and people that care about me, but when the push comes to shove, I have to take care of it on my own. I was watching Buffy (one one of my breaks, and it is the last episode on Season 2 when she has to face Angel by herself. He has her on her knees and he is boasting how he taken things away away from her and what could she do now? I am standing on that same precipice, having no job security, no idea how long I can keep running at this pace, and will I ever find the man I am supposed to be with. Things are coming me at me harder and faster than I ever thought possible....And I have to face them ...alone

My First Day Back at Work - How Dreadful

It never fails..You have a wonderful time of from work; enjoying the company of friends and seeing what the world has to offer. You take it all in and find the idea of daytime television and nights out with the friends more to your liking.. But then the fantasy ends, and you have to go back to work...THEN it hits you: I have all this work I need to catch up on, and the things you thought were done were not....This is what happened to me. I thought it was going to be smooth sailing..Boy, was I wrong!!! Well now the heat is on, and I am back on the treadmill.. There are certain co-workers you love to hate, and there is one in particular that I will definitely remember. The lambs have not stopped screaming, Clarice!!!
There's a tightrope, between me and you........

One Night In Bako

Trust you, one night in Bangkok has nothing on one night in Bako. Let me set the picture this: it was 42 degrees last night, and there were light columns of fog rolling in, and the Scooby Gang was trying to figure out how to spend this rather chilly Saturday evening. There was talk that there was a bar in Bakersfield that plays 80's music on Saturday, and the bar was gay-friendly. You put those two things together, and you know quite a few people would be there. The problem with this is, since it's Bakersfield, things are far less then advertised. Well we made our weary way and were pleased with some of the music being played. There were a few people there, and they were interesting to say the least. A shot, and a couple of Amaretto Sours later, I was in the moment. That was when things turned craptastic.. The freaky DJ started playing some steaming crap I didn't think was a good fit for the 80's and we were off. That was when we ended up at the gay bar in town: the Casablanca. Don't get me wrong, I love thumping beats as well as the next guy, but here it is all the same, and there was no variety. Just one of my many problems. I ended up dancing and waiting for the night to end, and it did. I thought to myself: "It was an ok night. I got to dance, and hang out with my gay mafia. " That was when our newest members suggested we go to a house party.
I am an old man, and have been to my share of house parties, both good, and mostly worse in this town. So I was not the most receptive to this idea. After getting turned around, the group made it to the house party. The people that were hosting were a cute couple, and the party was started..I am not usually a big drinker, but I threw all inhibitions to the wind and took full advantage of the party. It was so good to see my best friend laughing and being so much like his old self, and my other close friends having a good time as well. The party ended around 4 am, and I came away with a new appreciation for house parties, and the guys I am proud to call my friends...Viva Scooby Gang!

The Bald Faced Truth

Yes, I know it is supposed to be "Bold Faced", but this is more appropriate for my mood.
It is just about the last couple of days before I return to work and school. I went to my first class last night and felt a little better about things, and was amazed about the grades I earned last quarter. When I get in these kinds of moods, I just don want the momentum to slip away from me...I was getting some things done today when I decided to give my best friend Chris a call. He told me that he was going to get his hair cut. I decided then and there that it would be good for me to get a haircut as well. To see my hair close up, it has been big and bushy for some time. IN fact, it has been so bad my sisters have had jokes for me. Fredrick Douglas is one that comes to mind.
After some some soul searching, I walked in and asked for a haircut. 15 minutes and some shivering later, my hair is completely gone! I have never gotten my hair cut so short as an adult. So here I am 39, and bald....I am just writing off as one more transition. I have had funny looking fades, twists, and dreadlocks that were to my back. I know I am clean shaving. Just looking forward to see what happen next on my journey where my outward appearance is starting to echo my interior metamorphosis. Who knows?

A Simple Kind of Life

For the last three days, I have playing this song by No Doubt over and over again..It really applies to my life at the moment. I have always wanted a kid, a fantastic career, and a man I could truly call the love of my life. But the older I get, the more selfish and jaded I get. I look around the vast landscape, and see so many people who just let things happen to them or complain that things have been done to them. I have never thought I fit in either of those categories, but more and more I feel like everything is getting so complicated in my life. The first week of Winter Quarter began this week, and I am the most disorganized I have ever been and I am feeling so overwhelmed. And it's only the beginning. I have always been a control freak, but having no control over things is really sending me over. I am so glad I had a chance to take some time away from work to start putting things in perspective. I have no control over what happens to my ex, my job, or my friends, but I can try to make different for me....I will keep you posted.

I want to be invulnerable

There has been so much going on, that I haven't had to the time write. Or maybe it has been so much, I just didn't want to write it all down. Sometimes when you write things down, it takes on a life of its own. I just had my 39th birthday, and I have been looking over the course of my life. I am single (again), and looking a dating pool that consists of immature men in their 20's who have an overwhelming sense of entitlements, and older men in their 30's and up, who want physical perfection and have nothing between their ears to offer in the ways of romance. It just seems as though nobody is interested in courtship at this point in time.
Don't get me wrong; I LOVE to get down and dirty as the next guy, (and believe you me, I HAVE!) But there is nothing there to make me believe that I can have something that I could call a relationship. And I should be used to that. It is hard to date in Bakersfield, but it is harder when you're a black gay man. Here are the frequent comments you hear: " (1)I like you a lot, but my family would freak if I were dating a black guy. (2) I just wanted to see what it was like to be with a black. you know what they say." I am really selling this town, right?
On the other front, I am still dealing with stuff from my ex. He had to be hospitalized Saturday night, and is back in the ICU. He is asking for me, and wanting me to come up there. Once, there would have been a time I would have run up there without asking, and know I am questioning the whole thing. I got into a negative exchange with his neighbor about not coming, but she does not know the whole story, or even the fact that he and I were even a couple. I ended the relationship because I could not believe in someone that could not believe in me. And now, he wanting me to go back into situation and using his condition to make me feel guilty.
I just wish things would get easier, and now I am even starting to doubt if I am capable of becoming a real therapist since I am having dealing with all these issues. There will tons more as progress in my studies. I just wish I was little stronger, or invulnerable even.
Regardless, I have to keep going....

I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda

I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post (read: confession). I have experienced some dizzying highs and spiraling lows both personally and second hand during my little break.
I can honestly say that my friends are truly amzing, and that my life would be a lot less interesting and meaningful without them in it. These last few weeks, I have seen one of my friends take on one of the hardest challenges in his life, and allowed me and others to see a side, very few of us share with others. Thank you for trusting honest to to bear witness...

Another friend has been going through a rough patch dealing with someone he is sharing he is sharing his living space with, and he is handling it with a calm sense of graciousness I only wish I could possess if I was in the same situation.
And finally my third friend. I have seen him go from a gentle soul to a tiger.....I hope the days ahead bring him the peacefulness I have always envied in him.
These days I feel as though I am being pulled in several directions and trying to claw my way up for air. It seems that at this time, we all being challenged in different ways..

Here's to hoping that we all come out of it stronger for the strife.

Take A Look Around You, At Least You've Got Your Friends...

Well another weekend rolled around, and the Scooby Gang was right in the thick of it. After much last minute thinking, we were on our way to Oil Can Harrys for another night of fun and frolic. John was at the wheel, and we spent the ride up talking about everything under the sun. It was great to have a new friend tag along for the adventure. At the Honey Comb Hideout, the music was bumping and the alcohol was flowing freely. We took our places along the wall, took in the whole space. Contrary to popular belief, I can be shy and reluctant to go up to a guy and let him know that may be interested. Coming out of a long term relationship (and gaining the post relationship 25lbs) has also left me painfully self conscious about pursuing a serious dating situation with anybody at this point. I am too old and far too burned from my last experience to consider serial dating. Just as these thoughts were going through my head as I was dancing, up came this strapping man in a tank and jeans who came swaggering next to me. I have always had a thing for bald guys with a goatee, and he fit the bill nicely. As the music played on, he came closer and closer, and I must admit, I was excited. As the sound ended I did something I almost never do; I scurried off the dance floor and took safety in the comfort of my friends.
Leave it to Chris to let me know that I was being silly for being such a scaredy cat and encouraged me to go back out there and get to know the guy. I eventually did, and found out that he was a nice guy (named Steve) and we danced a little more before he had to go. The first baby steps to getting through it all...I just have to say thanks to my buds for getting me out of my rut, while at the same time giving me the space I need to move forward at my own pace...And thanks to the Scooby Gang for not laughing too loud when this random woman pulled me away to dance with her and groped me after we finished our dance.. You guys will never know how much you mean to me.....Those guys we met from Long Beach looked like good friends, but they were nothing like us...Long Live the Scoobies!!

My Post-Thursday S**t Storm!!!

Anyone who has ever met and spent time with me will tell you that I am a magnet for drama and all kinds of bad McShittles. It never fails: just when things start going well in my life, karma, universal justice, or just plain bad luck comes in to balance the scales.

My personal waterloo all begins on Wednesday morning as I was getting out of bed. I had a great Tuesday night getting some homework done, and having night cap with my favorite red head (read as : object of lust/skin toy). I was feeling triumphant, as I had my day all planned out, and I didn't have to start my day out in typical fashion (taking care of my little problem...shhhh!!) Well as my feet touched the carpet, I felt chills all over my body, and scratchiness to my throat. Automatically, I dismissed that I was pregnant, the air conditioner was on, or that Mr. Red's attachment was the BIG. Oh man, I have a COLD!!!! Despite feeling like a wet food stamp (worthless) I hauled my ample butt into the shower, and went on to work.

A sad fact is that people really look at you funny when you come in to work feeling sick and looking tore back.. Three hours into my shift, my supervisor came over and ASKED (demanded) that I go home. SCORE!!. I got home and take a long hard nap until the next day. Now the fun begins.

I am feeling a lot better, but now everyone at work is coming at me with something they want me to do, and I can't because I am now working part time as student therapist and they're pissed that I cannot accomodate them. And then as I am checking into my class, I found out that I am not even registered for classes this quarter!!! A few feverish calls later, I given an appointment NEXT WEEK to clear this up... A**holes! And then I get a call from my mom.

Let met tell you something about my mom: she only calls me at work if someone a) died b)going to hospital...you get the picture. Well, my mom calls and tells me that she got two call from my ex wanting to know where I was, and who I was hanging out. Since school has started, I have only found a few times to go out with Scooby Gang, and really at this point, it is none of his business whom I am spending time with, since we are OVER, and he could never admit to anyone that we were a couple. I also find out that he called my sister at her job and hit her up as well about me!!!

Well I called him, went completely bat s**t on him! The only thing he could say to me was that he was worried, and wanted to know how I was. The last time I checked, his name was not on my birth certificate, and barely took orders for the man I call "father". And then the topper came today when some douche bag scraped some of the paint off my barely 3 month old car..I just knew the other shoe was going to drop after all the fun I was having.. Just praying that Scooby Gang's outing this weekend will change things......I know some people are drama queens, and some gay men manufacture "drama"..All I have to do is walk out the door or stumble out of bed.

Pre Halloween 2008 - Season of the B****h!

Well. It's finally October, and it is still as hot as August. I can remember back in the day, I would always get so EXCITED at this time of the year: school was in full swing, the turning of the leaves, and all the horror movie marathons you could shake a Sara Palin at. My fondest memories are of me racing home to see all my scary shows with my mom and then going out for ice cream (and I still had no idea I was gay? Yeah right). But nowadays, I have a hard time working up some of the excitement. All the new horror movies are sad imitations and remakes of the classics (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, anyone?), or if something interesting has come out, it sequeled out to infinitity to the point all the fun of the original idea is gone (Final Destination 50).
The sad thing is, the things going on in my life are far more scarier than anything I am seeing on the screen: unstable economy, growing disillusionment about higher education (grand school), and the very real possiblity that my future could be controlled by some freaky hockey with a fetish for hunting and dressing moose carcass. I am SO hoping that the Scooby Gang's trip down the Universal Studios for the Halloween Extravaganza will restore of some of my faith. Nothing brings friends closer than screaming your lungs out, and running from some crazed killer from your childhood. Pictured is one of my favorites: Michael Myers. Halloween 2 stands out as one of favorite horror movies of all time, and I never get tired of watching it. I sure hope we stop for ice cream on the way back....

Panic! On the Dancefloor...Sigh

Keeping true to my vow, some the Scooby Gang made our merry way down to LA to one of our favorite spots: Oil Can Harrys. Ususally, our road trip adventures come off without a hitch, but this one had drama upon drama almost from the beginning. Who was coming, who was not coming, and who was NOT INVITED seemed to be major obstacles to it all. But once the seating arrrangements were taken care of, the three amigos were well on our way to the Honey Comb Hideout. Special thanks to Mr. Chris for bringing his Ipod along to keep the mood light but thoughtful. And another special thanks to Paul, for keeping the attention off of you know who. Let me be the first that I LOVE the drive up to LA, but I hate the drive back, but I will go into the details about that later.
We made it to Oil Can Harrys in good time, and had a blast taking in all the early birds and other sights of the bar before things got crazy. I was reluctant at first to wear the "HE LOVES THE COCK" t shirt (for fear of messing up before next week), but was thankful to Chris for talking me into trying them out.
We were the hit of the bar; we had people coming up to us the whole time asking about them and commenting on them. I was glad for one, because for the first time in a long time , it was good to see Chris truly happy and comfortable in his own skin. We definitely enjoyed ourselves and just being together, and there was no mention of the infamous Quilter. Just when things could not get any better, in walks Jesse from Bravo's Workout reality series. I spotted him right off the bat, but it was Chris that had the gumption to ask him to take pictures with us (as shown, Anya!).
I just did not want the night to end, but it had to.....The drive home was nice, and the conversation was amazing. But I have to admit, I have not completely got the hang of driving an SUV, and I am sure that made for some uncomfortable moments for both Chris and Paul. In the end, we all made it all home safe and sound and I could not have asked for a better group of guys to spend the night with (at least, with our clothes on..). Somethings do not last forever, but HELLFIRE does!!!

My Journey

All my life, I always have felt like I never fit in. Whether it be at home, school, and out in the world, there was always somebody who let me know that I had no right to be where I was. This set me on this crazy adventure where I thought if I was just as smart (or smarter) and or as fun, people who would like me better...I have earned quite a few awards, honors, and other types of recognition, but it never took away the feeling that I didn't "measure up". It took the better part of 19 years to come to the realization that I was gay. For me, it made of lot of things make sense for me which constantly nagged at me; the love for the Carpenters' music, sewing, women's melodramas.
Even while I was embracing this new identity, I continued to feel "outside", while I was making my way. I am not sure about the rest of you, but during this period, I had this vision in my head that if I gave the guy everything he wanted, he would something of what I needed. This led to a succession of guys whom loved me a lot less than I loved them, and I suffered as a result. Fast forward to eight years ago, I met the man whom I will call Cowboy. I was taken by surprise with this one, because he fit none of the descriptions of the fantasy men I thought I was "fated" to be with , he seemed to love me as much or more as I loved him, and the romance was on. Things went blissfully along for a number of years. But as time went on, I began to see things as they were, and not as I wanted them to be. In the end, I could not stay with a man who could not love himself in all of his complexities. He would and could never to terms with who he is, and the stress and strain of this conflict tore at the very foundation of the relationship, and I thought it better to end it, rather than coming to resent him for a choice that is for him alone to make.
The reason why I am choosing this time to write this, is because I have just learned that he is going to have a procedure done on his heart in the next two weeks, and I am fearful of the outcome. No matter how he was with me, there is a part of me that will always love him, and the memories we built together. He taught me so much about love, and how and how not to treat someone I care deeply for. And while this is all happening, I am also beginning the second phase of my graduate program where I will be conducting mental health assessments and practicing therapy with children and families. As I begin this phase, I wonder if I am going to find some way to "screw" things up, as I have in so many relationships, and do harm? I feel I am a competent student counselor, but there is always the thought that I have never fit in, how can help other integrate in the same mainstream I have never felt a part of? I guess is the new lesson I have to learn on my journey.

It's Just, A little Crush....

After hearing about the old school crushes of some friends of mine (i.e. Vicktor and Chris) , I thought it only proper that I volunteer my own. There was not at Tuesday night that went by in the mid to late 70's that I was not glued to my set watching the ABC comedy line-up. Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, and my favorite : Three's Company.

I was not able to put a name to it then, but stomach always got a little tight when my eyes fell on the form of John Ritter aka "Jack Tripper". That winsome smile, his quirky sense of humor, and that hot patch of fur on his chest was my first pre-teen gay Happy Meal.

Soon, other men came to take his place; Lou Ferrigno (Incredible Hulk) that guy from the live-action Spider-man series, and Bo and Luke Duke from Dukes of Hazzard (the real show, not that crappy movie). I kissed many men afterwards, but this one was my first introduction to unbridled man on man attraction....Memories, like the corners of my mind.......