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It has been well over 3 years since my last posting. Imagine that! For a minute, I had some serious misgivings about being so personal and so open about the things going on in my life.. But after reading some of my old posts about what was going on at the time really put things in perspective for me. It was quite an eye opener to see where I  was from where I am now.. All I can say is that I am glad to be in a  much happier place and where I want to be. Thank goodness for patience and self exploration!

Too Black To Be A Sex Partner?

Just when you think you have heard every indignity and offensive comment that can be heaped upon you, life finds a way to give you one more shot to stomach...My best friend and I went out a couple of weeks ago to a straight bar, where an 80's cover band was playing. If you have been following best friend Chris' blog as well as mine, you know full well that we are rabid fans of almost anything 80's, and this night was no different. The air was alive with the sounds of " Jenny 867-5309', "Just Like Heaven", and the like...In short, it was one of those magical nights in Bakersfield where you are having a fantastic time, in spite of the location and the people around you. The only thing that really threw the night off were that the notorious Q.U.I.L.T.E.R., and his douchebag/new boyfriend Mr. Potato Head were in attendance, and attempting to make my BFF feel bad.
I have to give credit to my best friend. He was able to completely ignore the "floor show" being done for his benefit, and enjoy himself. Well the night was a total bust for Potato Head and he was not happy. But at the same time, he could not openly go after my BFF. So this was his new ploy.
As we were outside the club cooling ourselves off (as most clubs in Bakersfield are too cheap to pay for air conditioning), Potato Head shared with us that he was not into "dark meat", and only wants "white meat". I fired off a humorous comeback, and left it at that..
After this had happened, I had to wonder: "what was this all about?" I expect many of these comments from some white gay men in this area, but now here I am hearing this from a Latin Men as well....

When did it become ok to make these kinds of comments to black gay men? I find it so hypocritical for so many gay men to talk about equal rights for gay people, and be bigoted towards gay people of color.. Amazing! And here I am hearing this from another gay man of color..Unbelievable!

Goonies Never Say Die!

One of the earliest things I learned as a child of the 70's growing up in the 80's was that I was never going to be one of the "popular kids". You know; the ones that have all the attention lavished on them, and have all the other kids wanting to be like them and/or be their friends. I learned very quickly on from them that I would never be accepted by them, and would always have to be on guard when they were in my area.
Through all of this, I worked hard to create a place where I could be accepted, and surrounded myself with people who could truly love me for me, and support me in my journey through life. I also made a promise to myself during those rough times that I would be smarter, happier, and more comfortable than any of the "A-Listers" that made my growing up so challenging. And for the most part, I succeeded. Thank goodness for comic books, horror movies, music, and my small band of misfit friends at the time that made so much of that painful time so bearable.
Fast forward to now: I am still struggling to get myself back on track, finish grad school, and be the man I need to be for my family and friends. What I have come to realize, is that gay world and the world in general, are very much like my childhood. There are all sorts of messages out there that tell us that we do not belong, or that we will never be "good enough".
I think that the tasks falls to all of us who never "fit in" to find the people and things that reaffirm who you are, and replenish your strength and resolve to be the best person you can be.. I think that is the message I read into the Goonies, and think that is the message my friends and I put out when we come together.
Thank you my friends, for putting up with my drama, shortcomings, and for my triumphs as well...

I Can (Almost) See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone

Things have really been looking (pun) up since I had my eye surgery. I can see (at least) out of one eye, and am scheduled to have the other one done the first of February. I never had any idea how much my sight meant to me...I was off for three weeks, from grad school, work, and my internship, because I was unable to drive, read and write documents, do all the things I was required to do.

Having all this time to think about things really forced me to look at things in my life, and try to make changes. For starters, I am learning that I am a good person at my core, and sometimes I need to believe that I have all the tools I need to be the person I need to be. For the longest time, I have been carrying around all this drama about my failed relationship, not graduating at the time I wanted to, and not feeling that I was "good enough" to love me the way I needed to be loved. I am so used to owning all the bad stuff in my life, that I often fail to "see" all the good things come in. So as a result, I feel buried in the rubble that is my life. So now I trying to walk a different path.

I have begun the task of simplifying my life, and taking on things that I really feel passionate about. I have also made a promise to myself to love the people that care about me REALLY hard, and let go of all the hurt of pain I have been holding onto, because over time it becomes what your life is all about.

I am gearing up complete the final leg of my graduate school adventure, and am looking forward to what my future holds.

I'm Too Old For This !

I don't know if it just me, but I have waxing poetic aboout my life in recent months. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I will soon be turning 40 in the next weeks. For the most part I have never let a number, my waist size, or the way I looked ever bring me down or feel less about myself. And then 40 came!
I am feeling that some of the way I a feeling has to do with finding out that I been diagnosed with premature cataracts (at 30!) and some recent health issues I had earlier this year. This combined with my crazy sxhedule has forced me to realized that I am not infallible or unstoppable. I know that common wisdom tells us that this feeling of being invulnerable is supposed to be common and pass in adolescence, but I have also found this to be true amongst some of the gay men I have encountered Thi feeling that we can overcome time as well as other limitations.
I have had the distict pleasure this year to see that I am not impervious, and that I should not allow my pride to prevent me from accepting help from the people that care about me. For that, I thank you Chris, Tim, Paul, and yes even Juan for helping me to see this..There are some things that you can learn in graduate school, but there other things that you have to learn in life. I am an eager student for this lesson I had to learn.
I am not sure if this is my midlife crisis, or my trasnsition into older gay, but I feel as though there is a change that is taking place within me. I feel a great deal of trepidation, but I also realize that this is something we all (gay or straight) have to go through. I have a big patch of gray in my haor, my body is different, and my eyes don't respond the way they used to. But I am still here for the party, and whatever things I need to go through in this new year. I am in this body, and loo k forward to this new phase in my life..
Now I have gotten that part out of the way, let me tell you what I won't be doing:

1. Buying Abercrombie and Fitch to feel "hot"- They never have black people in most of their photos and most of their stuff is overpriced.

2, Chasing younger men just for youth's sake. - What will be able to talk about? I am all about Fame (the original movie) not thar new piece of crap!

3. Having elctive surgeries - I hate getting cut on accident,. Why would I do it on purpose...Please/

4. Spend outrageous amounts of money - I will have $30,000 in debt from grad school.. Already done!

5. Sleeping with people to feel better about myself - One of my cardinal rules when I first came out. I have never done it, and I pray I never will.

6. Letting go of my childhood sense of wonder - It one of the things I have held onto, and binds me to many of mymclosest friends. I think it is one of the things that will keep me fiesty until the end.

My mother once told me that: Everything will change around you. The only thing you can hold onto are your word and who you are>" This is what I take with me into the new year and beyond.